A few months ago, my life changed. I was diagnosed to have had a Heart Attack. Wow, I never expected to hear those words at age 29, nor the ones that followed. "no more biological children." Let me back up a little. . . .
I was working out at the gym, which I was doing about Four times a week. I was in the middle of the warm up song and started to have what I would describe to be chest compressions across my chest. My Left arm started to go numb and tingly and my hand was tingling. I stopped and asked a friend near me, "what side does your heart effect?" and she informed me it was the left side. At this point the pain was not really PAIN as much as discomfort and I was pretty sure I was just deficient in some sort of vitamin and so I sat out for a song or two and then started back in with the Zumba dancing. Sure enough, a few seconds in, my compressions started back up and I noticed myself trying to shake whatever was going on with my arm. I noticed in the mirror I was not smiling anymore and I decided to listen to my body and stop. I sat the rest of the hour out and though the compressions lessened they didn't go away totally. After the class, I said goodbye to all and then headed on my way home. I called my brother, who had had some heart issues in the past six years and had actually had a pacemaker placed at age 21. Trying not to alarm him, I casually asked him how it felt when he had chest pains? He started immediately with why, and what is going on and soon I told him I had just had a few issues. He thought I should head to the doctors, but I was not convinced.
I came home and decided to go ahead and have the Girls Night I had promised my four Year old daughter. My hubby went to bed and my daughter and I played games and had a tea party together. Once she went to bed, I was really tired, but I decided to google iron deficiencies on the Internet to see what was out there. I found some things that caused Angina and decided that for sure that was my issue. I believe God, once again, had his gracious hand of protection on my life. I slept really well.
The next day I got up and started about my daily routine. I was fine until I reached down to pick up my three year old son. Immediately the chest compressions started and my arm felt like a lead pipe. I noticed I started favoring my left arm, as though it was tired. I knew something wasn't right. I called the doctor and they were scheduling me for later that day. Then the nurse called me back and told me to take it easy and to be in within the next hour. I was not too alarmed. I asked my hubby to come get the kids and i drove myself to the doctors office.
I was seriously concerned, but not yet fearful. When I got in there, the doctor listened to my symptoms and then said with my brothers heart history, he would go ahead and do an EKG but he was pretty sure it was nothing. Then the nurse rolled in the machine and a few minutes later I was sitting in a chair and the doctor came strolling in. He looked slightly panicked as he was handing me 4 baby aspirin. He said, "can you call someone and have them drive you over to triage. Their was some changes on your EKG and I think you need to get checked right away." When I told him it would take my husband about half an hour to get the kids up and ready and then pick me up, he said, "that is not soon enough. Tell him to get the kids in the car and get here." Needless to say, a tad bit of fear started to set in. I also had started to have some more pain, realizing later it was probably repercussion pain.
I will end this entry with what was going through my mind as I was waiting for Micah to get there. . .
1.) What could this be God? There is no way I have heart problems. I feel so stupid for all of this.
2.) What if something is really wrong? What about my kids and hubby?
3.) Why is my arm still hurting and now I am getting scared.
However, even in this time of fear and waiting, there was a calmness. A peace . .that only God could give me.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we expect
Joyce Meyer wrote a book on being happy on your way to where you are supposed to be. It is pretty neat, how she discusses how difficult it is for us to be able to really lean on the Lord and rely on him the way we were meant to. Humans, by nature, have to plan it all out in our lives. This is hard when you think of the unanswered questions and unfulfilled desires in our lives. We all have them.
I always heard that the desires we have in our hearts were given to us by the Lord, so he is sure to follow through. I believe that, still to this day, though I also know he doesn't always fulfill them the way we think he will. For example, my husband desired a son without the genetic arthritis that comes down through his fathers side of the family. He prayed this most of his life, that God would give him a son arthritis free. What did God do? He gave him a son arthritis free alright. . . we adopted him. He looks like my husband, acts like my husband, but his little body doesn't carry the painful disease and for this we are so very grateful. However, what a creative way for the Lord to answer that prayer and hearts desire. We all know God could have chosen to have us give birth to a biological son and just take away the disease, but God has the master plan. HE knows what is best for all involved. :) I have other examples, but we get the point.
My favorite verse in my life, the one I have lived on happens to be Jeremiah 29:11 - "for I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm. To give you a hope and a future." I hung onto these words throughout my dating years, feeling they were the most difficult years I would ever face. I struggled so much with wondering if I was to get married and to whom and would I like the guy that God had picked out for me. I know it didn't make one bit of sense, but I worried that I wouldn't be happy with who He had planned for me. It bothered me to no end that I had no answers and every time I tried to work things out, they didn't. I had to have a plan in place and every time I thought I had it all figured out. . . .something would happen and back to square one. If only I had just enjoyed those years, waiting patiently and anxiously for what God had in store for me. He not only had the most amazing man with great looks, and an awesome sense of humor, but he chose the PERFECT mate for me. I couldn't have chosen any better if I had done it all on my own. In fact, I am sure I would have messed my life up royally if I had not relied on the Lord.
Now I am happily married to the Love of my Life and I can see where and how God was working in my life. So a few years later in my life, I am facing not being able to get pregnant. I was so upset and struggling with what God was doing. I knew God was in control and so I held onto that verse again, claiming it as my own along with 'Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.' - Psalm 37:4
This worked with my hubby so I knew God also had placed the desire to have a child and that too would be fulfilled in his timing. The waiting patiently was never easy for me, but I knew I had to do it, if I wanted my life to be what it was intended to be. I had some peace in knowing someone larger than me, My Saviour and Creator, were in control. I had to remind myself of that over time.
I look at my life now and realize how many of the desires I have had since I was small, have been not only answered, but even better. They have been miracles in my life. I now have a hubby and two beautiful children and I am loving my life. I am so grateful for what I have been blessed with. I don't think by any means, that I am perfect and never again will be impatient about life. In fact, at this moment I am struggling with some deep desires and wondering what to do with them. I wrote this blog to help remind myself of how awesome our God is and that leaving it up to him leaves me free to go about my life and not worry. He has my best interest in mind. I love that!!! I hope this encouraged someone else out there, and I am going to go pray and give over my worries to the Lord.
I am ready to have Joy while sitting in the waiting room.
I always heard that the desires we have in our hearts were given to us by the Lord, so he is sure to follow through. I believe that, still to this day, though I also know he doesn't always fulfill them the way we think he will. For example, my husband desired a son without the genetic arthritis that comes down through his fathers side of the family. He prayed this most of his life, that God would give him a son arthritis free. What did God do? He gave him a son arthritis free alright. . . we adopted him. He looks like my husband, acts like my husband, but his little body doesn't carry the painful disease and for this we are so very grateful. However, what a creative way for the Lord to answer that prayer and hearts desire. We all know God could have chosen to have us give birth to a biological son and just take away the disease, but God has the master plan. HE knows what is best for all involved. :) I have other examples, but we get the point.
My favorite verse in my life, the one I have lived on happens to be Jeremiah 29:11 - "for I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm. To give you a hope and a future." I hung onto these words throughout my dating years, feeling they were the most difficult years I would ever face. I struggled so much with wondering if I was to get married and to whom and would I like the guy that God had picked out for me. I know it didn't make one bit of sense, but I worried that I wouldn't be happy with who He had planned for me. It bothered me to no end that I had no answers and every time I tried to work things out, they didn't. I had to have a plan in place and every time I thought I had it all figured out. . . .something would happen and back to square one. If only I had just enjoyed those years, waiting patiently and anxiously for what God had in store for me. He not only had the most amazing man with great looks, and an awesome sense of humor, but he chose the PERFECT mate for me. I couldn't have chosen any better if I had done it all on my own. In fact, I am sure I would have messed my life up royally if I had not relied on the Lord.
Now I am happily married to the Love of my Life and I can see where and how God was working in my life. So a few years later in my life, I am facing not being able to get pregnant. I was so upset and struggling with what God was doing. I knew God was in control and so I held onto that verse again, claiming it as my own along with 'Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.' - Psalm 37:4
This worked with my hubby so I knew God also had placed the desire to have a child and that too would be fulfilled in his timing. The waiting patiently was never easy for me, but I knew I had to do it, if I wanted my life to be what it was intended to be. I had some peace in knowing someone larger than me, My Saviour and Creator, were in control. I had to remind myself of that over time.
I look at my life now and realize how many of the desires I have had since I was small, have been not only answered, but even better. They have been miracles in my life. I now have a hubby and two beautiful children and I am loving my life. I am so grateful for what I have been blessed with. I don't think by any means, that I am perfect and never again will be impatient about life. In fact, at this moment I am struggling with some deep desires and wondering what to do with them. I wrote this blog to help remind myself of how awesome our God is and that leaving it up to him leaves me free to go about my life and not worry. He has my best interest in mind. I love that!!! I hope this encouraged someone else out there, and I am going to go pray and give over my worries to the Lord.
I am ready to have Joy while sitting in the waiting room.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My Story - Part 2
In my last blog, I gave some of my background. I feel as though I could continue on my past. . . but as of lately, there is so much going on, I just want to focus on working through all of that. So first of all. I am married to my best friend and the mom of two beautiful children. I am learning to live life to it's fullest right now.
I have struggled with my weight for my entire life. I had no idea why it was such a constant battle, but I did try everything I could to get a grip on it. About a year after I was married, I started gaining weight. Eating was always a way to deal with and cope with stress and trials in my life. I would get upset, and then sit down and eat. Very frustrating.
I got pregnant with my daughter in 2004 and I was very sick throughout my pregnancy. I remained nauseous and sick up until I was in the delivery room and puked on my midwife. That was pretty gross. I had gained about 20 lbs with my daughter and I had a horrible time getting it back off. A week after leaving the hospital, I ended up back in the hospital for a serious kidney infection. A month later, I was back in the hospital again with my gall bladder. My body seemed to take a very long time recovering from having my daughter, my kidney infection, and the removal of my gall bladder. One of the things that became my biggest problem was trying to lose the weight.
I was so upset with how I looked. There I was, living my largest childhood dream, holding my very own baby in my arms. . . . and I was miserable. I hated the way I looked. I hated that I didn't allow anyone to take pics of me with her or family pics of the three of us. I hated that I hid when I saw people from my past, because I didn't want them to see how terrible I looked now. I was Homecoming Queen of my High School for goodness sake, and I couldn't even face my old class mates. Most of all, I hated what I had become for my husband and daughter. When you hate yourself and reject yourself, you end up pushing others that are close to you even further away. I knew I was becoming depressed. I needed help. So, in October of 2005, I started to do some research on Gastric Bypass.
I found that out that I already had a few of the comorbidities, being the simultaneous presence of two or more morbid conditions, putting the patient in higher risk of certain issues. For Gastric Bypass, a few of these are a Body Mass Index of greater than 40, diagnosis of sleep apnea, diabetes, urinary incontinence, and many more. I got excited, because I figured I would be eligible. I called the insurance we were under at that time and found they had a written clause denying any coverage for obesity. This was upsetting to me because I was beginning to feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. I decided to try other avenues again, but I felt very discouraged.
As the years passed, I lost even more hope. I would do good, lose some weight and then plateau. It was so frustrating. I didn't know what to do anymore. It was starting to take even a bigger toll on my marriage and my relationship with my children. I knew I had to do something, but I felt trapped.
Three years later, in fall of 2008 I got a glimpse of hope. I was laying in bed and I had just failed yet at another attempt of losing weight. I leaned over and jokingly said, "honey, when can we switch insurances so I can get this much needed surgery?" He looked at me and said, that it was funny I asked because just that week at his work, his employer informed him that the company was switching insurances. That was the night my life started to change. I started to take my life back into my hands.
I was ready to find out anything and everything I could on this surgery and how to get it done. I became addicted to reading and studying all about it. I started calling people, went to a few local meetings to talk to those who had already had it done. I found out what insurance covered something like this, and all the while, gaining more and more hope.
My husband even got on board with me. He said he was tired of me hating myself. It didn't matter how much he told me he loved me, I wouldn't accept love because I didn't love myself. I had that stupid rejection still playing a big role in my life. My weight wasn't what defined me, but in my mind, it did.
The final deciding fact that pushed me toward this drastic measure was my little girl telling me that she thought she was fat. I realized she was watching me and hearing the things I was saying about myself at home. This was making an impression on her little mind. It had to STOP there. I needed to do something about my issues, before they became my children's issues. I was ready to pray and find out what the Lord had in store for me. If it be Gastric Bypass at 28 years old, then so be it. :)
I have struggled with my weight for my entire life. I had no idea why it was such a constant battle, but I did try everything I could to get a grip on it. About a year after I was married, I started gaining weight. Eating was always a way to deal with and cope with stress and trials in my life. I would get upset, and then sit down and eat. Very frustrating.
I got pregnant with my daughter in 2004 and I was very sick throughout my pregnancy. I remained nauseous and sick up until I was in the delivery room and puked on my midwife. That was pretty gross. I had gained about 20 lbs with my daughter and I had a horrible time getting it back off. A week after leaving the hospital, I ended up back in the hospital for a serious kidney infection. A month later, I was back in the hospital again with my gall bladder. My body seemed to take a very long time recovering from having my daughter, my kidney infection, and the removal of my gall bladder. One of the things that became my biggest problem was trying to lose the weight.
I was so upset with how I looked. There I was, living my largest childhood dream, holding my very own baby in my arms. . . . and I was miserable. I hated the way I looked. I hated that I didn't allow anyone to take pics of me with her or family pics of the three of us. I hated that I hid when I saw people from my past, because I didn't want them to see how terrible I looked now. I was Homecoming Queen of my High School for goodness sake, and I couldn't even face my old class mates. Most of all, I hated what I had become for my husband and daughter. When you hate yourself and reject yourself, you end up pushing others that are close to you even further away. I knew I was becoming depressed. I needed help. So, in October of 2005, I started to do some research on Gastric Bypass.
I found that out that I already had a few of the comorbidities, being the simultaneous presence of two or more morbid conditions, putting the patient in higher risk of certain issues. For Gastric Bypass, a few of these are a Body Mass Index of greater than 40, diagnosis of sleep apnea, diabetes, urinary incontinence, and many more. I got excited, because I figured I would be eligible. I called the insurance we were under at that time and found they had a written clause denying any coverage for obesity. This was upsetting to me because I was beginning to feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. I decided to try other avenues again, but I felt very discouraged.
As the years passed, I lost even more hope. I would do good, lose some weight and then plateau. It was so frustrating. I didn't know what to do anymore. It was starting to take even a bigger toll on my marriage and my relationship with my children. I knew I had to do something, but I felt trapped.
Three years later, in fall of 2008 I got a glimpse of hope. I was laying in bed and I had just failed yet at another attempt of losing weight. I leaned over and jokingly said, "honey, when can we switch insurances so I can get this much needed surgery?" He looked at me and said, that it was funny I asked because just that week at his work, his employer informed him that the company was switching insurances. That was the night my life started to change. I started to take my life back into my hands.
I was ready to find out anything and everything I could on this surgery and how to get it done. I became addicted to reading and studying all about it. I started calling people, went to a few local meetings to talk to those who had already had it done. I found out what insurance covered something like this, and all the while, gaining more and more hope.
My husband even got on board with me. He said he was tired of me hating myself. It didn't matter how much he told me he loved me, I wouldn't accept love because I didn't love myself. I had that stupid rejection still playing a big role in my life. My weight wasn't what defined me, but in my mind, it did.
The final deciding fact that pushed me toward this drastic measure was my little girl telling me that she thought she was fat. I realized she was watching me and hearing the things I was saying about myself at home. This was making an impression on her little mind. It had to STOP there. I needed to do something about my issues, before they became my children's issues. I was ready to pray and find out what the Lord had in store for me. If it be Gastric Bypass at 28 years old, then so be it. :)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
My Story - part one
With rejection in my life, I was very tired of being hurt. My mom was always my biggest advocate and she hurt right along with me. I think when you have children, as a mom, you feel the pain and / or the joys right along with your children. My mom definitely lived my emotions while I was living them. I started feeling rejected as a young girl with being one of the only kids in my kindergarten class that had to wear glasses. Glasses for little kids these days are so cute, but they didn't have much of a selection back then. I had to start wearing glasses at 18 months old, but it didn't really bother me too much until I hit school age. Kids are not very nice with their comments.
I was a pretty sensitive and intuitive child. I was blessed with a real accurate gift of reading others. I could often have a great perception of what they were thinking and feeling. Sometimes, as a child, that was more a curse than a gift. I often wish I didn't pick up on little comments or actions of others, because often it was just plain hurtful. I remember having a lot of anxiety as a young child when my mom had to drop me off at the babysitters house. I was very attached to my mom because she was the one person in life I knew loved me unconditionally. I hated that she had to go to work everyday. I felt, even as a young girl, that NO ONE understood me the way she did. I didn't have great experiences with my baby sitters, and that was around the time rejection and abandonment started playing a more significant role in my life.
Here are a few of the emotions I had to work through do to MY perception (not meaning it was always correct) . . .
One of my stress relievers I used in life I learned at a very young age. I learned to use food as a comfort. I became an extremely picky eater and I formed an unnatural fear of eating food I didn't like. I would get so upset if we were going somewhere to eat, because what if I didn't like it and I had to eat it. My anxiety was out of control. I think now, looking back, that it was the one area in my life I felt I could take control over. This obsession led to an early set on of obesity in my life. The obesity led to a worse self esteem and more rejection. Again, I hated what I looked like with glasses and being larger than other kids my age. Different is not good when in grade school. I was different and I knew it.
My parents weren't sure how to help me. I mentioned that I was a very anxious child, and that started even as a toddler. I liked to know what was going on in every aspect of my life. I am sure, that due to my anxiety, I asked a ton of questions and I was probably pretty annoying at times. I catch myself now, wanting to tell my young anxious daughter, to just relax and give mommy some space when she is pounding me with questions. :) I guess things come back full turn. So, with that said, I can imagine I was very annoying and in fact, I often sensed that I was getting on people's nerves while I was asking questions, but I didn't know how to stop. I had lots of fear of things being out of my control and as a young child, not much is in your control anyways. The gift of perception was hurtful at that time in my life because I often sensed I was bothering people, but I didn't know how to change my actions or what to do differently. It seemed the harder I tried to make them LIKE me and Accept me, the more I felt I annoyed them, thus leaving me confused and even more rejected. This was a lot to try and process with my little girl brain and my mom would counsel me on how to hone in my worries and fears so as not to lean on others. In turn, I leaned on her a lot.
There were a lot of politics in my fathers' family and that didn't help matters either. Sometimes, without even realizing what they are doing, adults allow prejudices toward another adult, to carry on to that adults' children, simply because they remind them of that person. Predetermined emotions that are not warranted. Another example is that my dad and his sisters didn't have a good relationship. Because I knew my aunts carried a lot of resentment and contempt toward my father, when they would say, "you are just like your father." I knew they were not meaning it in a good way. This was an issue that I felt rejection from, but again, had no control over. I am not sure to this day, that these individuals even know what was going on. I know they would deny that any of this ever happened, but I perceived it that way, leaving me with a real sense of rejection and hurt.
My mom spent hours trying to help me deal with all these situation, and had she not put so much time into my emotional well being, who knows where I would be today. Once Rejection gets a foot hold in your life, it starts to show up in many different aspects of your life. It manifests and leads to yet again, more rejection. Over time, rejection leads to hurt, leading to jealousy, bitterness, and many other horrible things.
These are a few examples of how rejection entered my life as a very young girl. I will be showing, in my next blog, how rejection manifested in my life later on and the consequences that came from it. Then, I hope to end with how God has renewed and healed my broken heart, kicked rejection out and of my life and opened my eyes to keep them focused on him. :)
I was a pretty sensitive and intuitive child. I was blessed with a real accurate gift of reading others. I could often have a great perception of what they were thinking and feeling. Sometimes, as a child, that was more a curse than a gift. I often wish I didn't pick up on little comments or actions of others, because often it was just plain hurtful. I remember having a lot of anxiety as a young child when my mom had to drop me off at the babysitters house. I was very attached to my mom because she was the one person in life I knew loved me unconditionally. I hated that she had to go to work everyday. I felt, even as a young girl, that NO ONE understood me the way she did. I didn't have great experiences with my baby sitters, and that was around the time rejection and abandonment started playing a more significant role in my life.
Here are a few of the emotions I had to work through do to MY perception (not meaning it was always correct) . . .
One of my stress relievers I used in life I learned at a very young age. I learned to use food as a comfort. I became an extremely picky eater and I formed an unnatural fear of eating food I didn't like. I would get so upset if we were going somewhere to eat, because what if I didn't like it and I had to eat it. My anxiety was out of control. I think now, looking back, that it was the one area in my life I felt I could take control over. This obsession led to an early set on of obesity in my life. The obesity led to a worse self esteem and more rejection. Again, I hated what I looked like with glasses and being larger than other kids my age. Different is not good when in grade school. I was different and I knew it.
My parents weren't sure how to help me. I mentioned that I was a very anxious child, and that started even as a toddler. I liked to know what was going on in every aspect of my life. I am sure, that due to my anxiety, I asked a ton of questions and I was probably pretty annoying at times. I catch myself now, wanting to tell my young anxious daughter, to just relax and give mommy some space when she is pounding me with questions. :) I guess things come back full turn. So, with that said, I can imagine I was very annoying and in fact, I often sensed that I was getting on people's nerves while I was asking questions, but I didn't know how to stop. I had lots of fear of things being out of my control and as a young child, not much is in your control anyways. The gift of perception was hurtful at that time in my life because I often sensed I was bothering people, but I didn't know how to change my actions or what to do differently. It seemed the harder I tried to make them LIKE me and Accept me, the more I felt I annoyed them, thus leaving me confused and even more rejected. This was a lot to try and process with my little girl brain and my mom would counsel me on how to hone in my worries and fears so as not to lean on others. In turn, I leaned on her a lot.
There were a lot of politics in my fathers' family and that didn't help matters either. Sometimes, without even realizing what they are doing, adults allow prejudices toward another adult, to carry on to that adults' children, simply because they remind them of that person. Predetermined emotions that are not warranted. Another example is that my dad and his sisters didn't have a good relationship. Because I knew my aunts carried a lot of resentment and contempt toward my father, when they would say, "you are just like your father." I knew they were not meaning it in a good way. This was an issue that I felt rejection from, but again, had no control over. I am not sure to this day, that these individuals even know what was going on. I know they would deny that any of this ever happened, but I perceived it that way, leaving me with a real sense of rejection and hurt.
My mom spent hours trying to help me deal with all these situation, and had she not put so much time into my emotional well being, who knows where I would be today. Once Rejection gets a foot hold in your life, it starts to show up in many different aspects of your life. It manifests and leads to yet again, more rejection. Over time, rejection leads to hurt, leading to jealousy, bitterness, and many other horrible things.
These are a few examples of how rejection entered my life as a very young girl. I will be showing, in my next blog, how rejection manifested in my life later on and the consequences that came from it. Then, I hope to end with how God has renewed and healed my broken heart, kicked rejection out and of my life and opened my eyes to keep them focused on him. :)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Rejection & It's Defense Mechanisms
Rejection is a very nasty place to be. When we feel rejected, it can attack every area of our lives. Rejection has it's own defense mechanisms that become real in one's daily life. For example, when rejected and hurt very badly by someone, we will often see them pull back into their shell. they won't allow people to get close to them. They put their walls up. The saddest part is that if that individual doesn't understand what is going on, they don't even recognize that they are putting up walls and shutting others out. That individual feels they are still living life the way they should be, but the sad part is that individual is getting the raw end of the deal. Maybe they tell themselves, "wow, I am NEVER going to let someone hurt me like that person did" in turn, they stop allowing others into their heart and lives. They hold everyone at arms distance.
My husband was a man that was hurt many times in his life. Some as a young boy, some as a teenager and the biggest and deepest hurt when he was a young adult. The people that hurt him were the two people he loved most in the world at that time. He was a mess for months, because rejection, that had once set in as a boy, festered and then manifested through this situation. He shut people out and the once very sensitive boy turned into a very bitter and angry person, due to rejection in his life. The rejection was not his fault, but he was one of those people who swore over and over again that he would NEVER allow anyone to get that close to him to hurt him that deeply ever again. Verbal proclamations have power and Satan heard what he said and continued to feed that to him over and over again. He protected himself the best way he knew how, and it was not even a conscious effort, just one that started to take hold over time. My father had somewhat of the same issue happen in his life. I mentioned him before, and how rejection entered into his life. It usually is the more 'sensitive' ones in the family are the ones Satan loves to get a hold of early on. My father was a very sensitive young boy, just like my husband. They both had very sweet temperaments and real true hearts for God. So, when my father started feeling rejection early on, he started putting up walls. Those walls later held my mother, my brother and I at arms distance because he was not going to allow ANYONE close enough to hurt him again. This was the defense mechanism he that came out against rejection in his life.
My father and my husband are changed men. God has freed them and rejuvenated them and I can't wait to tell their story. I know some day God will have them telling their own story, but for now I just wanted to hit on what rejection can do in a person's life and how because of rejection, we put up our defenses. I do believe that the people who are most detrimentally effected by rejection, are those that are by nature very sensitive people. They are often very open to how others are hurting, and when they get hurt, they start to build walls. They open themselves so fully to others and once that first big hurt hits them, the spirit of rejection sets in and the manifestations begin. It is a long and sad process and very hard to watch, but I am so happy to tell you there is FREEDOM. God is the one and only one who can set you free from that. I can't wait to tell my whole story. Thanks be to God and our Savior Jesus for setting the path to freedom in such easy access. Satan will be defeated.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Dealing with the Root of Rejection
As a young child, I learned early that rejection was a real and very harsh emotion. I think rejection can be a thing that takes ahold in your life early on and the longer your life goes, it just grows with eagerness. It might start out as a very small thing, like maybe a girl's father telling her she is ugly or fat, or maybe a parent not being involved in the child's life the way they should be. It could start with being made fun of by kids at school, or just simply the realization that you are treated differently because you are not as cute as other kids. The idea that if you don't have the right clothes or material things, that you are not worth as much as others can be an open door too. It can be all kinds of many different things.
I believe there is always a ROOT for this rejection to set in. An open doorway or a foothold. Rejection can look like many different things and when not taken care of properly, it leads to bitterness, jealousy, envy and self - hatred. It can and WILL hold a person in bondage for as long as that person allows it to run rampant.
For example, My father always felt rejected by his father (my grandfather). My grandfather was a pastor and always put others and the church before his son. My father never felt important enough to be priority in my grandfathers' life. As a boy, my father valued and desired to play sports, but because it wasn't a "service to the Lord" it was not considered priority to my grandparents. In turn, My grandfather never came to see him at his few games, thus only hurting my father and making him feel rejected. My grandfather was very involved in his daughters' lives and supported the things they did because the "could be used for the Lord." My father spent his entire life trying to get his father's approval. Was it a perception problem, or was that how it really was?? I guess we don't always know, but either way, my father spent the majority of his life feeling unloved and rejected by his father, leading to a life full of rejection filled events.
I feel as though rejection entered my brother's life as a young boy. He was always very small for his age. The doctors couldn't really explain it, and he remained small throughout all his school years. There were always comments made about his size and how small he was. As his older sister, I never understood why it would bother him. I would have done anything to be picked on about being small, because I was always commented on how large I was. I looked at it as he should be glad because he was always the center of attention and everyone always said how cute he was. What I didn't understand was that a teenager boy that loves football and only dreams of playing professional ball doesn't want to be CUTE, he wants to be BIG. He always did a very good job at hiding his pain and laughing the comments off. Over time, the size didn't come and his soul took to heart what was said about his size. This lead to a life filled with hurt and rejection for him also.
Only in the past few months have I started to really get a grasp on the spirit of rejection that has been running rampant in my life for so many years. I am so grateful for what I am learning and this is a huge step in my new beginning. I am reading a book called "Rejection" by Henry W. Wright. It is amazing and I will be getting in to that more later.
I am so happy with where my life is now and I would go through it all again, just to be here again. I thank God that he knows what we have to face and walks through it with us. I have one more thing to say. . . .
Because Rejection has been such a part of my life, I have spent many years trying to conquer it. The one thing that has stuck out to me is as follows:
Jesus was sent here on earth and became human. He felt all the emotions and feelings we felt. At first I didn't believe it but then it went on to say that He felt REJECTION to it's fullest power when he was on the cross and God had to turn away from him because he could not look at all the sin. Wow, ultimate rejection, and it wasn't even his fault. I can honestly say, never has God turned his back on me and never has he rejected me. I praise God for that!!!! Let the healing from rejection be complete!!!
I believe there is always a ROOT for this rejection to set in. An open doorway or a foothold. Rejection can look like many different things and when not taken care of properly, it leads to bitterness, jealousy, envy and self - hatred. It can and WILL hold a person in bondage for as long as that person allows it to run rampant.
For example, My father always felt rejected by his father (my grandfather). My grandfather was a pastor and always put others and the church before his son. My father never felt important enough to be priority in my grandfathers' life. As a boy, my father valued and desired to play sports, but because it wasn't a "service to the Lord" it was not considered priority to my grandparents. In turn, My grandfather never came to see him at his few games, thus only hurting my father and making him feel rejected. My grandfather was very involved in his daughters' lives and supported the things they did because the "could be used for the Lord." My father spent his entire life trying to get his father's approval. Was it a perception problem, or was that how it really was?? I guess we don't always know, but either way, my father spent the majority of his life feeling unloved and rejected by his father, leading to a life full of rejection filled events.
I feel as though rejection entered my brother's life as a young boy. He was always very small for his age. The doctors couldn't really explain it, and he remained small throughout all his school years. There were always comments made about his size and how small he was. As his older sister, I never understood why it would bother him. I would have done anything to be picked on about being small, because I was always commented on how large I was. I looked at it as he should be glad because he was always the center of attention and everyone always said how cute he was. What I didn't understand was that a teenager boy that loves football and only dreams of playing professional ball doesn't want to be CUTE, he wants to be BIG. He always did a very good job at hiding his pain and laughing the comments off. Over time, the size didn't come and his soul took to heart what was said about his size. This lead to a life filled with hurt and rejection for him also.
(I do have updates on these stories and how God worked in all of them, but they are later on.)
Only in the past few months have I started to really get a grasp on the spirit of rejection that has been running rampant in my life for so many years. I am so grateful for what I am learning and this is a huge step in my new beginning. I am reading a book called "Rejection" by Henry W. Wright. It is amazing and I will be getting in to that more later.
I am so happy with where my life is now and I would go through it all again, just to be here again. I thank God that he knows what we have to face and walks through it with us. I have one more thing to say. . . .
Because Rejection has been such a part of my life, I have spent many years trying to conquer it. The one thing that has stuck out to me is as follows:
Jesus was sent here on earth and became human. He felt all the emotions and feelings we felt. At first I didn't believe it but then it went on to say that He felt REJECTION to it's fullest power when he was on the cross and God had to turn away from him because he could not look at all the sin. Wow, ultimate rejection, and it wasn't even his fault. I can honestly say, never has God turned his back on me and never has he rejected me. I praise God for that!!!! Let the healing from rejection be complete!!!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Who am I????
I have never written anything like this before, but I feel as though I have so much inside of me that needs to come out, so here it is. My name is Michelle and I am 29 years old. I am planning on going back through my life documenting how I got to where I am now, but it feels like so much information, that I am not sure where to start. I guess I will just start typing and see where I end up.
I have always had two main goals in life:
1.) To find the man of my dreams and get married
2.) To have a family of children that I could spend my days loving.
I have been blessed with both of these dreams and now I am ready to talk about How I got to where I am today.
I guess I have never had tons of confidence in my self, and my self esteem has always lacked a little. My mother, also my best friend, spent my whole life trying to build me up and help me to love myself the way others did. However, even as a young child, the self hatred was real. I struggled with weight, even as a little girl, and I can remember it being the thing that started to steal my joy as a young child. I was considerably over weight most of my elementary school years and that lead to lots of mean comments by numerous children. I also had some of my own family that would comment on my size often and it hurt me so deep. It is one thing to have people at school who make fun of you and don't accept you, but it is another thing to have family members, who are supposed to love you unconditionally, make some of the same hurtful comments. So, as a young child, I started to feel as though my self worth was based on how I looked to other people.
Over the years, other things came about, and due to the fact that the root of rejection had already taken hold in my life, I was not ready for the heartbreaks that were to come. I believe that once rejection gets a stronghold in a person's life, their perception changes and becomes quite unbalanced. They start to see and hear things that they perceive in a total different way than it was intended. This is the road I started down very early in my life and I am going to continue to map through my journey as much for my own healing, as for the fact that I want others to see what God can do with a very broken heart.
I believe, more now than ever, that life as a Christian is not easy, but God will walk through the hard times with you and rejoice in the good times with you. He is the ultimate Healer and I hope that after I get my story out, others will be able to see him do the same healing in there life as I saw him do in mine. So this is the first of numerous entries that are on there way. I hope they can shed some light on how great God really is a loving God and he is good all the time.
I have always had two main goals in life:
1.) To find the man of my dreams and get married
2.) To have a family of children that I could spend my days loving.
I have been blessed with both of these dreams and now I am ready to talk about How I got to where I am today.
I guess I have never had tons of confidence in my self, and my self esteem has always lacked a little. My mother, also my best friend, spent my whole life trying to build me up and help me to love myself the way others did. However, even as a young child, the self hatred was real. I struggled with weight, even as a little girl, and I can remember it being the thing that started to steal my joy as a young child. I was considerably over weight most of my elementary school years and that lead to lots of mean comments by numerous children. I also had some of my own family that would comment on my size often and it hurt me so deep. It is one thing to have people at school who make fun of you and don't accept you, but it is another thing to have family members, who are supposed to love you unconditionally, make some of the same hurtful comments. So, as a young child, I started to feel as though my self worth was based on how I looked to other people.
Over the years, other things came about, and due to the fact that the root of rejection had already taken hold in my life, I was not ready for the heartbreaks that were to come. I believe that once rejection gets a stronghold in a person's life, their perception changes and becomes quite unbalanced. They start to see and hear things that they perceive in a total different way than it was intended. This is the road I started down very early in my life and I am going to continue to map through my journey as much for my own healing, as for the fact that I want others to see what God can do with a very broken heart.
I believe, more now than ever, that life as a Christian is not easy, but God will walk through the hard times with you and rejoice in the good times with you. He is the ultimate Healer and I hope that after I get my story out, others will be able to see him do the same healing in there life as I saw him do in mine. So this is the first of numerous entries that are on there way. I hope they can shed some light on how great God really is a loving God and he is good all the time.
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