Life took awhile to really settle back down. We joked around a lot but mostly in denial of what had happened. It took a bit to get a routine started again and luckily we had lots of family and friends to support us and rally around us. Many came to our rescue from cleaning my house to helping me watch the kids. IT was hard sitting while allowing someone else to clean and do all the dirty work, but I had forceful and loving family and friends who stood beside us all the way.
I was on a no driving or lifting restriction and this was hard for the kids to understand. They couldn't comprehend why mommy had left in the first place and then it was hard for them to comprehend me not being able to carry them or even to lift them on my lap. They quickly learned to climb on my lap on their own, but it was still an adjustment. I was also VERY TIRED. I would catch myself looking forward to, even dreaming about, that night when it was time to go to bed. Often I was in bed and sleeping by 8:00 p.m. This was new to me too since I used to never get to bed before midnight or even 1:00 the next morning.
Like I said, Lots of adjustments. Things were different and one of these differences was I had NO EMOTION about anything. I was tired and just sort of out of touch with life. I felt very disconnected with people and even my husband and kids. I was depressed which was a very common thing after a heart attack but also very strange to feel so out of touch with others. I would go out to with friends and sit there and smile, but I was so so lonely and empty inside. That was a long going feeling that lasted for a few months. My doctor did up my prozac but it only seemed to make me less depressed but not more connected. This was a very hard time in my life. Challenging and yet I found myself wishing I had died so I could be done with all of this and in Heaven. I was scared to death that I was going to have another heart attack and I was scared I wouldn't have one too. It was the strangest time in my life. I thought things like my kids would be better off without me and my husband would too. Stupid thoughts, but it really is how I felt.
During this dark time of my life, I felt bad that I wasn't praising God I was alive. I should be right? People all around me were telling me how grateful they were that God chose to spare me, but why wasn't I grateful? I just had NO EMOTION, once again. The next few weeks, even months proved to be long and hard but the end result is better and more blessed than I could ever have imagined. I will get to that later.
So, now I am home and safe. . . or as safe as they could guarantee a 29 year old that had just had a heart attack. Now started the journey of my new and blessed life that was to follow my long exhausting recovery.
