A few months ago, my life changed. I was diagnosed to have had a Heart Attack. Wow, I never expected to hear those words at age 29, nor the ones that followed. "no more biological children." Let me back up a little. . . .
I was working out at the gym, which I was doing about Four times a week. I was in the middle of the warm up song and started to have what I would describe to be chest compressions across my chest. My Left arm started to go numb and tingly and my hand was tingling. I stopped and asked a friend near me, "what side does your heart effect?" and she informed me it was the left side. At this point the pain was not really PAIN as much as discomfort and I was pretty sure I was just deficient in some sort of vitamin and so I sat out for a song or two and then started back in with the Zumba dancing. Sure enough, a few seconds in, my compressions started back up and I noticed myself trying to shake whatever was going on with my arm. I noticed in the mirror I was not smiling anymore and I decided to listen to my body and stop. I sat the rest of the hour out and though the compressions lessened they didn't go away totally. After the class, I said goodbye to all and then headed on my way home. I called my brother, who had had some heart issues in the past six years and had actually had a pacemaker placed at age 21. Trying not to alarm him, I casually asked him how it felt when he had chest pains? He started immediately with why, and what is going on and soon I told him I had just had a few issues. He thought I should head to the doctors, but I was not convinced.
I came home and decided to go ahead and have the Girls Night I had promised my four Year old daughter. My hubby went to bed and my daughter and I played games and had a tea party together. Once she went to bed, I was really tired, but I decided to google iron deficiencies on the Internet to see what was out there. I found some things that caused Angina and decided that for sure that was my issue. I believe God, once again, had his gracious hand of protection on my life. I slept really well.
The next day I got up and started about my daily routine. I was fine until I reached down to pick up my three year old son. Immediately the chest compressions started and my arm felt like a lead pipe. I noticed I started favoring my left arm, as though it was tired. I knew something wasn't right. I called the doctor and they were scheduling me for later that day. Then the nurse called me back and told me to take it easy and to be in within the next hour. I was not too alarmed. I asked my hubby to come get the kids and i drove myself to the doctors office.
I was seriously concerned, but not yet fearful. When I got in there, the doctor listened to my symptoms and then said with my brothers heart history, he would go ahead and do an EKG but he was pretty sure it was nothing. Then the nurse rolled in the machine and a few minutes later I was sitting in a chair and the doctor came strolling in. He looked slightly panicked as he was handing me 4 baby aspirin. He said, "can you call someone and have them drive you over to triage. Their was some changes on your EKG and I think you need to get checked right away." When I told him it would take my husband about half an hour to get the kids up and ready and then pick me up, he said, "that is not soon enough. Tell him to get the kids in the car and get here." Needless to say, a tad bit of fear started to set in. I also had started to have some more pain, realizing later it was probably repercussion pain.
I will end this entry with what was going through my mind as I was waiting for Micah to get there. . .
1.) What could this be God? There is no way I have heart problems. I feel so stupid for all of this.
2.) What if something is really wrong? What about my kids and hubby?
3.) Why is my arm still hurting and now I am getting scared.
However, even in this time of fear and waiting, there was a calmness. A peace . .that only God could give me.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we expect
Joyce Meyer wrote a book on being happy on your way to where you are supposed to be. It is pretty neat, how she discusses how difficult it is for us to be able to really lean on the Lord and rely on him the way we were meant to. Humans, by nature, have to plan it all out in our lives. This is hard when you think of the unanswered questions and unfulfilled desires in our lives. We all have them.
I always heard that the desires we have in our hearts were given to us by the Lord, so he is sure to follow through. I believe that, still to this day, though I also know he doesn't always fulfill them the way we think he will. For example, my husband desired a son without the genetic arthritis that comes down through his fathers side of the family. He prayed this most of his life, that God would give him a son arthritis free. What did God do? He gave him a son arthritis free alright. . . we adopted him. He looks like my husband, acts like my husband, but his little body doesn't carry the painful disease and for this we are so very grateful. However, what a creative way for the Lord to answer that prayer and hearts desire. We all know God could have chosen to have us give birth to a biological son and just take away the disease, but God has the master plan. HE knows what is best for all involved. :) I have other examples, but we get the point.
My favorite verse in my life, the one I have lived on happens to be Jeremiah 29:11 - "for I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm. To give you a hope and a future." I hung onto these words throughout my dating years, feeling they were the most difficult years I would ever face. I struggled so much with wondering if I was to get married and to whom and would I like the guy that God had picked out for me. I know it didn't make one bit of sense, but I worried that I wouldn't be happy with who He had planned for me. It bothered me to no end that I had no answers and every time I tried to work things out, they didn't. I had to have a plan in place and every time I thought I had it all figured out. . . .something would happen and back to square one. If only I had just enjoyed those years, waiting patiently and anxiously for what God had in store for me. He not only had the most amazing man with great looks, and an awesome sense of humor, but he chose the PERFECT mate for me. I couldn't have chosen any better if I had done it all on my own. In fact, I am sure I would have messed my life up royally if I had not relied on the Lord.
Now I am happily married to the Love of my Life and I can see where and how God was working in my life. So a few years later in my life, I am facing not being able to get pregnant. I was so upset and struggling with what God was doing. I knew God was in control and so I held onto that verse again, claiming it as my own along with 'Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.' - Psalm 37:4
This worked with my hubby so I knew God also had placed the desire to have a child and that too would be fulfilled in his timing. The waiting patiently was never easy for me, but I knew I had to do it, if I wanted my life to be what it was intended to be. I had some peace in knowing someone larger than me, My Saviour and Creator, were in control. I had to remind myself of that over time.
I look at my life now and realize how many of the desires I have had since I was small, have been not only answered, but even better. They have been miracles in my life. I now have a hubby and two beautiful children and I am loving my life. I am so grateful for what I have been blessed with. I don't think by any means, that I am perfect and never again will be impatient about life. In fact, at this moment I am struggling with some deep desires and wondering what to do with them. I wrote this blog to help remind myself of how awesome our God is and that leaving it up to him leaves me free to go about my life and not worry. He has my best interest in mind. I love that!!! I hope this encouraged someone else out there, and I am going to go pray and give over my worries to the Lord.
I am ready to have Joy while sitting in the waiting room.
I always heard that the desires we have in our hearts were given to us by the Lord, so he is sure to follow through. I believe that, still to this day, though I also know he doesn't always fulfill them the way we think he will. For example, my husband desired a son without the genetic arthritis that comes down through his fathers side of the family. He prayed this most of his life, that God would give him a son arthritis free. What did God do? He gave him a son arthritis free alright. . . we adopted him. He looks like my husband, acts like my husband, but his little body doesn't carry the painful disease and for this we are so very grateful. However, what a creative way for the Lord to answer that prayer and hearts desire. We all know God could have chosen to have us give birth to a biological son and just take away the disease, but God has the master plan. HE knows what is best for all involved. :) I have other examples, but we get the point.
My favorite verse in my life, the one I have lived on happens to be Jeremiah 29:11 - "for I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm. To give you a hope and a future." I hung onto these words throughout my dating years, feeling they were the most difficult years I would ever face. I struggled so much with wondering if I was to get married and to whom and would I like the guy that God had picked out for me. I know it didn't make one bit of sense, but I worried that I wouldn't be happy with who He had planned for me. It bothered me to no end that I had no answers and every time I tried to work things out, they didn't. I had to have a plan in place and every time I thought I had it all figured out. . . .something would happen and back to square one. If only I had just enjoyed those years, waiting patiently and anxiously for what God had in store for me. He not only had the most amazing man with great looks, and an awesome sense of humor, but he chose the PERFECT mate for me. I couldn't have chosen any better if I had done it all on my own. In fact, I am sure I would have messed my life up royally if I had not relied on the Lord.
Now I am happily married to the Love of my Life and I can see where and how God was working in my life. So a few years later in my life, I am facing not being able to get pregnant. I was so upset and struggling with what God was doing. I knew God was in control and so I held onto that verse again, claiming it as my own along with 'Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.' - Psalm 37:4
This worked with my hubby so I knew God also had placed the desire to have a child and that too would be fulfilled in his timing. The waiting patiently was never easy for me, but I knew I had to do it, if I wanted my life to be what it was intended to be. I had some peace in knowing someone larger than me, My Saviour and Creator, were in control. I had to remind myself of that over time.
I look at my life now and realize how many of the desires I have had since I was small, have been not only answered, but even better. They have been miracles in my life. I now have a hubby and two beautiful children and I am loving my life. I am so grateful for what I have been blessed with. I don't think by any means, that I am perfect and never again will be impatient about life. In fact, at this moment I am struggling with some deep desires and wondering what to do with them. I wrote this blog to help remind myself of how awesome our God is and that leaving it up to him leaves me free to go about my life and not worry. He has my best interest in mind. I love that!!! I hope this encouraged someone else out there, and I am going to go pray and give over my worries to the Lord.
I am ready to have Joy while sitting in the waiting room.
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