I was recently invited to a conference for women with Lynette Lewis. She is a young lady that is on fire for God, very fashion savy and just a blast to hang out with. She touched on how we all have DREAMS in our hearts. Weather they are short term or long term, they are dreams and who would be be if we didn't dream of something, or anticipate something in our lives to come. Lets face it, we are honest with ourselves, we all have dreams that we take before God. We entertain things in our minds that we hope or dream that God will bless us with. It may be a spouse or a house or children. It may be a dream to become a certain someone someday like a speaker or a teacher or an author. Some of us dream of a nice car or a dream job and some of us dream of making it big with singing, dancing, or photography. Some dream of living in other places of the world or traveling lots. There are so many types of dreams and we all have them. Some are larger than others and some are simple. Some dreams have a tendency to consume us and some are just a slight distant dream that we think "maybe someday". In any case, I think it is good to dream. It is good to keep our sites on something bigger, to anticipate with excitement about what is to come. This is what I believe our dreams are placed in our lives for, to give us HOPE.
The hardest part is that sometimes, our dreams just don't come true. Chalk it up to the fact that our world isn't perfect, or to the fact that some dreams take money and most dreams take energy and time. It is sad to think that sometimes we leave this life with unfulfilled dreams and desires. When that happens, or should we have known it was going to happen, we would have a hard time facing that and better yet, accepting it. Sometimes God says no, and to this day, I don't understand why. I was reading a devotional that said, "David heard the Lord's "no" and quietly accepted it without resentment. That's awfully hard to do. But we find in David's final recorded words a life-sized portrait of a man after God's own heart." This statement grabbed me right out of my seat.
Let me focus on this for a second. David was considered a man after God's own heart. He messed up and sinned just like me, but yet the Bible says he was a man after God's own heart. I think the part that struck me so was how he quietly accepted it WITHOUT resentment. Um, yeah, I am not so good at this. I hear God say no, and I am like a kid trying to find another angle. "well, what if I do this God, then will the answer be yes?" or "okay, God, I am a really good person and what I am asking for is from the desires of my heart, the ones You gave me, so why can't it be yes? I don't understand. What if I go to church and treat everyone really nice, then can I have this thing I desire?" I find myself doing this in the depths of my heart, pleading with God. Trying to make sense of it all. I look around and don't understand why God blessed someone else with something that I wanted so badly. Does it make sense? Is it fair? Why them and not me?
"After four decades of service to Israel, King David, old and perhaps stooped by the years, looked for the last time into the faces of his trusted followers. Many of them represented distinct memories in the old man's mind. Those who would carry on his legacy surrounded him, waiting to receive his last words of wisdom and instruction. What would the seventy-year-old king say?"
The devotional goes on to mention that he literally revealed his deepest desires and dreams of his heart. The Bible reference is (1 Chronicles 28:2). This was his biggest dream to build a temple to the Lord and he was going to die with his dreams unfulfilled in his lifetime.
Dreams are the hardest thing to let go of. Dreams die hard as said by the devotional. We can choose to do as David and focus on what blessings God has given us and what he has allowed us to do in our lifetime. For me, I am blessed to have the dreams of my childhood fulfilled. I have other dreams that I anticipate but I am choosing to be content in whatever my God has given me. This is a daily battle for me sometimes and yet, there are days it seems to be getting easier to do.
"But in his parting words, David chose to focus on what God had allowed him to do—to reign as king over Israel, to establish his son Solomon over the kingdom, and to pass the dream on to him (28:4–8). Then, in a beautiful prayer, an extemporaneous expression of worship to the Lord God, David praised the greatness of God, thanking Him for His many blessings, and then interceded for the people of Israel and for their new king, Solomon. Take some extra time to read David's prayer slowly and thoughtfully. It's found in 1 Chronicles 29:10–19"
I want to do this. I want to follow this prayer of David's heart. He chose to praise God with a GRATEFUL HEART. Not only did he chose to look forward and keep exalting our living GOD, but he did it with a grateful heart, even knowing some of his hugest dreams and desires of his heart never would be fulfilled in his lifetime. His dreams were not selfish, or even wrong, but they were just not in God's plans for his life. SO my question is how did he manage to not wallow in sadness of his unfulfilled dreams?
"Blessed are You, O LORD God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O LORD, and You exalt Yourself as head over all. Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone." (29:10–12)
Then as I read further this morning, Something else jumped out at me as to David's attitude. He never once saw what God gave him through is life as really his own stuff. He saw the people under him (his kingdom) as God's. He saw the money and the throne and the lavish material possessions as GOD's. He seemed to always keep that mindset, which didn't allow for him to have an unhealthy love for money and material things. He was not a greedy man. Can I say that of myself? Can I really look at all God has given me and see it as his. What a challenge!!! I know my husband and kids are his but I still fear them getting hurt or losing them. What if I had the mindset that they really were HIS and when He decided it was time, it was? How do I get that sort of attitude about all in my life?
Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song that Micah and I sing alot and we love what it means. We even have made up our own word to fit the songs and we sing it when we are scared of what is coming in life, to remind us that it is all HIS. The songs lyrics are:
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is
I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything
It's all Yours
And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything
It's all Yours, God (Ava's Yours God)
It's all Yours, God (Micah's Yours God)
It's all Yours, God (Christian is yours God)
It's all Yours, God (My life is your God)
The glory is Yours, God
All the honor is Yours, God
The power is Yours, God
The glory is Yours, God
You're the King of Kings
And Lord of Lords
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky (From the House that we live)
To the depths of the ocean floor (to the Health of our families)
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power, the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours
It's all Yours, God
My life is Yours, my heart is Yours
My hands and my feet are Yours
Every song that I sing
It's all Yours, all is Yours
All belongs to You
Our gifts are Yours, God
All our dreams are Yours, God
All our plans are Yours, God
The whole earth is Yours, God
Everything is Yours
So my point is if we can be 100% confidant that God, our LIVING GOD is truly in control of EVERYTHING we own and and want to own. EVERYTHING we love and hope to love. EVERYTHING we dream of and hope for. . then what do we have to fear. HE is in control of it all. IT is all HIS!!! And if we are serving Him and we are loving Him, then what do we have to lose. We are going to be blessed and victorious and we serve the ONE and TRUE LIVING GOD!!!! God's plans and dreams for our lives are so much better than anything we can do on our own. If we can remember to hold all of our possessions and dreams loosely and trust them all to God, we will win in the end. RIGHT? Maybe this very mentality will remind me and help me to cope with the answer "no" when I get it.
I leave you with this final closing statement taken from the devotional I read this morning. . . .
Though some dreams remain unfulfilled, a man or woman of God can respond to His "no" with praise, thanksgiving, and intercession . . . because when a dream dies, nothing of God's purposes die.
My devotional that I based this blog off of was the following website: http://www.insight.org/library/articles/bible-characters/when-god-says-no-pray.html
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Surviving Life's Trials
I think there are many times in my life that I have felt that "I don't deserve the bad things that are happening in my life." or That "I deserve better than this." That mentality makes me very discontented because you see, the truth of the matter is I don't deserve to go to Heaven, but yet because I accepted Jesus into my heart to save me, I AM going to Heaven. What I DO deserve is to live a life of damnation in the pit of Hell because I am a sinner. I sin without knowing it even. I sin by the thoughts I have about others when I am judging them ( I justify this to myself by saying I am just speaking the truth, but really it is SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS and wrongful JUDGING), or the way I talk about someone or something that is not maybe quite edifying to their character. (This is GOSSIP but I justify it as just letting someone know I have a prayer request, so I look all Holy or something.) I sin when I fib to make myself look better. (I justify this as I am just stretching the truth a little, not telling LIES.) Oh, yeah, another one that is huge for me is having DISCONTENT in my current circumstances and COVETING what others have. There are so many more I could mention and so many more things I do wrong, but my point is, no matter how hard I try , to become the reformed GOOD CHRISTIAN, I still mess up on a daily, often minutely basis. I am a SINNER, and only by the grace of God am I even allowed to some day set foot through those pearly gates. As for now, in this world, I need to remember that I am not exempt from hardships and trials and I have to just fight the battle with my armor of God on.
I came across a teaching a few months back taken from Walk in the Word - What if I Refuse this Trial? (Job 23:10) For some reason, when something doesn't go as planned for me in my life, I get all anxious and want to know the end result NOW. I will say patience is a virtue that I do NOT have within my possession.
Some of the things that I outlined while listening to this particular sermon series I will hit on below. Hopefully this will benefit someone out there the way it helped me. Hopefully reading and writing this blog entry will once again remind me why things are not always easy and yet we have to stay the course and keep our eye on the goal. . . HEAVEN!!!
I. What if I refuse this trial? (Hebrews 12) I always think this, when things get hard, I want to run away and refuse the trial. Like Jonah ran from God and then God found him, so has God done that for me to. I have learned it is scarier to run from a trial if it is God Ordained than to hang out in a life of luxury that is not in God's will and plan for my life. With God, I can do anything
a. God allows a painful circumstance to come into my life so he can turn me into Gold This one struck me a little bit hard. I always blamed Satan for all the trials in my life and all the hardships, but what if God really does allow us to go through painful circumstances for the soul purpose of turning us into Gold? For me, a new concept. I used to pray the trials out of my life, or at least try to. What if I should welcome them to a certain extent, trusting I will be stronger for them?
b. Embrace that God is the source of this trial, he has chosen it for you
i. He is not abandoning us, he is moving into our lives
ii. God allowed it to come into our lives
iii. He knows the way that I take and when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
c. Trials are like God’s discipline us as his children. Wow, this one hit me. I often give my children a command and they chose to disobey or just do it their way. I know the end result may be painful but I can also see the lesson they will learn from it, where as if I just always made choices for them, they would never really grow and learn. They may never be the confidant and successful person that I desire for them to be, so sometimes, as a parent, I have to step back and allow them to hurt and harder yet, I have to discipline them. I know in the end it will make them stronger and they will grow.
i. We get the blessing if we are trained by it
ii. I do believe God cries with us when we hurt, but he may not actually be crying over what really is happening because he sees the big picture and realizes that we are going to benefit in the long run. We will be blessed for accepting the discipline and instead of getting angry at the source of discipline, we just might anticipate the end result, trusting that GOD always has our best interest in mind and loves us.
d. Trials can lead to discouragement – so lift your drooping hands & straighten your weak knees
i. What if we are in denial
1. I have been in denial alot in my life when a trial hits. I think, "well, God loves me and I am a GOOD CHRISTIAN so He is not gonna let anything bad happen to me, RIGHT?" WRONG. sometimes it happens to be the exact opposite. First of all, I need to get rid of feeling as though I am entitled to a good life and feeling as though GOD owes me anything. It just isn't true. And as for the whole GOOD CHRISTIAN thing, well, that is Self Righteousness, once again and I need to recognize and get rid of those thoughts right away.
ii. What if we are into finger pointing
iii. What if we are into blame shifting
1. There is a problem but it is not because of me, it is because of others around me.
e. Discouragement leads to dislocation.
i. The angle creates the injury – the pressure is still on
1. Submit to God when under pressure and he will help you to stand under the pressure. I struggle with submitting to God's Will for my life sometimes, because the desires I have for my own life are such deep and strong desires.
a. If you try and get out from under the pressure, combined with the angle of the pressure and you are trying to get out, you will be dislocated. Dislocation is very serious – God wants to heal the limp
1. If you resist the trial, or pressure – it lasts much longer. This is true in a lot of ways. I have found for me, that the very things I hate, I continue to be put back into similar situations with the same result. At one point in my life, as I was throwing a "spiritual tantrum" and yelling at God for always allowing these HORRIBLE things to happen in my life, my mom looked at me and kindly stated, "Michelle, maybe if you would strop throwing a tantrum and figure out and learn what it is God is trying to teach you, then maybe you wouldn't keep ending up back in this same situation." Wisely said mama. I think it was at that point that I submitted to the trial in my life at that time and God used it to change my life. He is faithful in that way too. I do believe though that He kept allowing me to be placed in the same situation in different ways, until I submitted to what he had to teach me.
f. Strive for holiness
i. Most people don’t know what holiness is
1. If we had a little bit of it, we would understand it. It is putting behind us all the ways of the world and you get into the soul satisfying saturating presence of God in your life.
2. Without holiness we will never see the Lord
ii. When you get more holiness, you want more holiness. When you get a taste of what it is, you can't stop at just a little bit. God is going for more holiness in us when he uses trials. This is something I needed reminded of again.
g. Dislocation leads to bitterness
i. Get the trial and still refuse to embrace or accept it. I do this often. I am currently doing this now. I am told or made aware of a trial I am facing and then I want to run away and just get mad. I don't want to face it. I want to refuse and not embrace it. I don't want to be TRAINED by it which in turn means I won't obtain the Grace Of God through it.
i. I need to Help others not to fail to obtain the Grace of God
1. Fallen short of the Grace of God. Instead of submitting to the trial, you resist and rebel then refusing the trial.
2. Now you are failing to obtain the Grace of God, whether it be by white knuckling it or just choosing to not walk with God. Maybe this entails not searching for HIM in every situation or for his wisdom and knowledge. Here is one I am really guilty of most often, NOT digging in His word to get his take on things. He gave me the Bible as a guide through his life and I forget to get it out. I should use My Bible as often as I use the GPS. HMMM.
3. Just hanging on to get through. Wow this one is huge. How often do I chose to just hang on waiting for the terrible RIDE to get over, only to find out that I learned nothing and it was just extremely draining. I am always hanging on by the end of the rope or something, instead of diving into the trial to learn what I need to learn sooner, so I can get through the trying times.
4. another way to help others is by encouraging them and not allowing their trial to lead them to discouragement. I have a hard time with this for myself, let alone helping others, but it is what we are to do as friends and fellow believers.
ii. Bitterness (this is a biggie)
1. I hear what word of God says, but I feel I will be safe though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart. Yup, I have said this over some trials in my life. I hate the pain and yet I continue to follow my own stubborn ways. Makes the process a lot harder. Like when you were a kid and going to get smacked and your parents tell you not to put your hands back there. You do anyway, cause you are trying to SAVE your butt and then SMACK, now your hands and butt are both hurt. Hard lesson to learn but stubbornness is not worth the consequences. Another big one is "Don’t ask me to find a placed of joy about this, I will Never get over this." Yeah, this one speaks directly to me also.
2. I won’t let God change me.
3. Root of bitterness -
a. Clouds and distorts the way you see everything
b. Roots don’t stay roots for long – they spring up and turn into a tree. Once they are big trees they are so much harder to get rid of. . .you need alot more maintenance too.
I know this is long but I am wrapping it up. . . .so our attitude is huge when we are facing trials that are placed in our lives. Do we embrace them and allow them to change us and turn us into a shiny piece of Gold for God? or do we allow bitterness and hatred and our attitudes toward our trial take over and cause us more trouble down the road? I know as for me, I don't want to refuse the trials God has given me or placed in my life. I want to grow through them and learn from them so I can come out on the other side victorious. Anyone with me on this?
I came across a teaching a few months back taken from Walk in the Word - What if I Refuse this Trial? (Job 23:10) For some reason, when something doesn't go as planned for me in my life, I get all anxious and want to know the end result NOW. I will say patience is a virtue that I do NOT have within my possession.
Some of the things that I outlined while listening to this particular sermon series I will hit on below. Hopefully this will benefit someone out there the way it helped me. Hopefully reading and writing this blog entry will once again remind me why things are not always easy and yet we have to stay the course and keep our eye on the goal. . . HEAVEN!!!
I. What if I refuse this trial? (Hebrews 12) I always think this, when things get hard, I want to run away and refuse the trial. Like Jonah ran from God and then God found him, so has God done that for me to. I have learned it is scarier to run from a trial if it is God Ordained than to hang out in a life of luxury that is not in God's will and plan for my life. With God, I can do anything
a. God allows a painful circumstance to come into my life so he can turn me into Gold This one struck me a little bit hard. I always blamed Satan for all the trials in my life and all the hardships, but what if God really does allow us to go through painful circumstances for the soul purpose of turning us into Gold? For me, a new concept. I used to pray the trials out of my life, or at least try to. What if I should welcome them to a certain extent, trusting I will be stronger for them?
b. Embrace that God is the source of this trial, he has chosen it for you
i. He is not abandoning us, he is moving into our lives
ii. God allowed it to come into our lives
iii. He knows the way that I take and when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
c. Trials are like God’s discipline us as his children. Wow, this one hit me. I often give my children a command and they chose to disobey or just do it their way. I know the end result may be painful but I can also see the lesson they will learn from it, where as if I just always made choices for them, they would never really grow and learn. They may never be the confidant and successful person that I desire for them to be, so sometimes, as a parent, I have to step back and allow them to hurt and harder yet, I have to discipline them. I know in the end it will make them stronger and they will grow.
i. We get the blessing if we are trained by it
ii. I do believe God cries with us when we hurt, but he may not actually be crying over what really is happening because he sees the big picture and realizes that we are going to benefit in the long run. We will be blessed for accepting the discipline and instead of getting angry at the source of discipline, we just might anticipate the end result, trusting that GOD always has our best interest in mind and loves us.
d. Trials can lead to discouragement – so lift your drooping hands & straighten your weak knees
i. What if we are in denial
1. I have been in denial alot in my life when a trial hits. I think, "well, God loves me and I am a GOOD CHRISTIAN so He is not gonna let anything bad happen to me, RIGHT?" WRONG. sometimes it happens to be the exact opposite. First of all, I need to get rid of feeling as though I am entitled to a good life and feeling as though GOD owes me anything. It just isn't true. And as for the whole GOOD CHRISTIAN thing, well, that is Self Righteousness, once again and I need to recognize and get rid of those thoughts right away.
ii. What if we are into finger pointing
iii. What if we are into blame shifting
1. There is a problem but it is not because of me, it is because of others around me.
e. Discouragement leads to dislocation.
i. The angle creates the injury – the pressure is still on
1. Submit to God when under pressure and he will help you to stand under the pressure. I struggle with submitting to God's Will for my life sometimes, because the desires I have for my own life are such deep and strong desires.
a. If you try and get out from under the pressure, combined with the angle of the pressure and you are trying to get out, you will be dislocated. Dislocation is very serious – God wants to heal the limp
1. If you resist the trial, or pressure – it lasts much longer. This is true in a lot of ways. I have found for me, that the very things I hate, I continue to be put back into similar situations with the same result. At one point in my life, as I was throwing a "spiritual tantrum" and yelling at God for always allowing these HORRIBLE things to happen in my life, my mom looked at me and kindly stated, "Michelle, maybe if you would strop throwing a tantrum and figure out and learn what it is God is trying to teach you, then maybe you wouldn't keep ending up back in this same situation." Wisely said mama. I think it was at that point that I submitted to the trial in my life at that time and God used it to change my life. He is faithful in that way too. I do believe though that He kept allowing me to be placed in the same situation in different ways, until I submitted to what he had to teach me.
f. Strive for holiness
i. Most people don’t know what holiness is
1. If we had a little bit of it, we would understand it. It is putting behind us all the ways of the world and you get into the soul satisfying saturating presence of God in your life.
2. Without holiness we will never see the Lord
ii. When you get more holiness, you want more holiness. When you get a taste of what it is, you can't stop at just a little bit. God is going for more holiness in us when he uses trials. This is something I needed reminded of again.
g. Dislocation leads to bitterness
i. Get the trial and still refuse to embrace or accept it. I do this often. I am currently doing this now. I am told or made aware of a trial I am facing and then I want to run away and just get mad. I don't want to face it. I want to refuse and not embrace it. I don't want to be TRAINED by it which in turn means I won't obtain the Grace Of God through it.
i. I need to Help others not to fail to obtain the Grace of God
1. Fallen short of the Grace of God. Instead of submitting to the trial, you resist and rebel then refusing the trial.
2. Now you are failing to obtain the Grace of God, whether it be by white knuckling it or just choosing to not walk with God. Maybe this entails not searching for HIM in every situation or for his wisdom and knowledge. Here is one I am really guilty of most often, NOT digging in His word to get his take on things. He gave me the Bible as a guide through his life and I forget to get it out. I should use My Bible as often as I use the GPS. HMMM.
3. Just hanging on to get through. Wow this one is huge. How often do I chose to just hang on waiting for the terrible RIDE to get over, only to find out that I learned nothing and it was just extremely draining. I am always hanging on by the end of the rope or something, instead of diving into the trial to learn what I need to learn sooner, so I can get through the trying times.
4. another way to help others is by encouraging them and not allowing their trial to lead them to discouragement. I have a hard time with this for myself, let alone helping others, but it is what we are to do as friends and fellow believers.
ii. Bitterness (this is a biggie)
1. I hear what word of God says, but I feel I will be safe though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart. Yup, I have said this over some trials in my life. I hate the pain and yet I continue to follow my own stubborn ways. Makes the process a lot harder. Like when you were a kid and going to get smacked and your parents tell you not to put your hands back there. You do anyway, cause you are trying to SAVE your butt and then SMACK, now your hands and butt are both hurt. Hard lesson to learn but stubbornness is not worth the consequences. Another big one is "Don’t ask me to find a placed of joy about this, I will Never get over this." Yeah, this one speaks directly to me also.
2. I won’t let God change me.
3. Root of bitterness -
a. Clouds and distorts the way you see everything
b. Roots don’t stay roots for long – they spring up and turn into a tree. Once they are big trees they are so much harder to get rid of. . .you need alot more maintenance too.
I know this is long but I am wrapping it up. . . .so our attitude is huge when we are facing trials that are placed in our lives. Do we embrace them and allow them to change us and turn us into a shiny piece of Gold for God? or do we allow bitterness and hatred and our attitudes toward our trial take over and cause us more trouble down the road? I know as for me, I don't want to refuse the trials God has given me or placed in my life. I want to grow through them and learn from them so I can come out on the other side victorious. Anyone with me on this?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Overcome by the Spirit of Thankfulness
The definition of THANKFUL
1: conscious of benefit received
2: expressive of thanks
3: well pleased : glad
That describes the awesome feeling Micah and I have been having for a few weeks but finally spoke of it to each other two days ago. Let me start a little bit earlier in our story:
So, things have been like a roller coaster since we got married, started having children and made a life for ourselves. Like everyone reading this entry, we had our UPS and DOWNS, our MOUNTAINS and VALLEYS. There were times when we were on top of the world and times we were struggling to our heads above the raging waters. Luckily, God blessed us with very supportive parents on both sides and very supportive family so we could get to the other side.
I am not going to go into the details in this entry, of all the ups and downs, but I am going to say what happened this week. I was feeling it and Micah expressed it in words. We looked at each other in wonder for this is a GREAT place to be. Praise GOD!! He said to me, "I am just overwhelmed by a spirit of thankfulness and gratefulness for all God has given us and done for us." I was feeling the very thing he had just put into words. So here we are and I am going to give a few reasons why we are thankful:
Our Reasons for Giving Thanks:
1. Two very healthy and loving children that we enjoy every moment with and we often look at each other and wonder what we did that made us worthy of raising these two special children in God's eyes.
2. A wonderful Home that we love the location and everything about it. It felt like home the first day we stepped foot in it and at this point it seems like we may never leave it.
3. A marriage that God has revived and showered with his blessings and we are completely in awww of this one. But we consider it the greatest blessing/miracle and embrace it.
4. That he spared my life and gave us the opportunity to have more time on this earth as a family before he calls us home to him in Heaven
5. For sparing little man when he was burnt with coffee and though it looked bleak for him, God intervened and miraculously healed his whole body, leaving only a small scar in a very inconspicuous place to remind us of his miraculous power in our lives.
6. For the PROVISION over the four months that Micah was out of work. We were able to keep our house, vehicles and still eat. :) It ended up being something, that though Satan meant for it to be a curse, God used it to bless us. HE gave us time together as a family and we enjoyed and took advantage of every day. He provided things for us in so many ways and the verse that talks about how we shouldn't worry about what we will wear or eat, or where we will live, yup, he took care of it all. It seemed more like a huge long vacation than anything bad.
7. For family and friends that love us and support us and for the memories we have made and will continue to make through the years.
There is so many more things that are overflowing in my heart right now, but I can't go into all of them. Partly because this would be an extremely long post and mostly because my kids are in the living room shouting, "mom, please get off the computer!" so I must abide. :)
However, I do want to say that times are not always peaches and cream. We all have had and still have Ups / Downs, and Mountains / Valleys, and just times when things are not looking good. I guess my challenge for myself and for anyone reading this is keep your eyes on HIM. He really does have a plan and it is so much bigger and so much greater than anything we could ever imagine. :) Satan will spend his time here trying to pull us down and KEEP us there but if we keep our focus on the things of GOD, we will prevail. :)
I leave you with this last word:
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
1 Chronicles 16:8
Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.
I challenge you to take these verses to heart today and make a list in your mind or on paper, of all God has blessed you with. You may be surprised how many blessings you can actually come up with. :)
1: conscious of benefit received
2: expressive of thanks
3: well pleased : glad
That describes the awesome feeling Micah and I have been having for a few weeks but finally spoke of it to each other two days ago. Let me start a little bit earlier in our story:
So, things have been like a roller coaster since we got married, started having children and made a life for ourselves. Like everyone reading this entry, we had our UPS and DOWNS, our MOUNTAINS and VALLEYS. There were times when we were on top of the world and times we were struggling to our heads above the raging waters. Luckily, God blessed us with very supportive parents on both sides and very supportive family so we could get to the other side.
I am not going to go into the details in this entry, of all the ups and downs, but I am going to say what happened this week. I was feeling it and Micah expressed it in words. We looked at each other in wonder for this is a GREAT place to be. Praise GOD!! He said to me, "I am just overwhelmed by a spirit of thankfulness and gratefulness for all God has given us and done for us." I was feeling the very thing he had just put into words. So here we are and I am going to give a few reasons why we are thankful:
Our Reasons for Giving Thanks:
1. Two very healthy and loving children that we enjoy every moment with and we often look at each other and wonder what we did that made us worthy of raising these two special children in God's eyes.
2. A wonderful Home that we love the location and everything about it. It felt like home the first day we stepped foot in it and at this point it seems like we may never leave it.
3. A marriage that God has revived and showered with his blessings and we are completely in awww of this one. But we consider it the greatest blessing/miracle and embrace it.
4. That he spared my life and gave us the opportunity to have more time on this earth as a family before he calls us home to him in Heaven
5. For sparing little man when he was burnt with coffee and though it looked bleak for him, God intervened and miraculously healed his whole body, leaving only a small scar in a very inconspicuous place to remind us of his miraculous power in our lives.
6. For the PROVISION over the four months that Micah was out of work. We were able to keep our house, vehicles and still eat. :) It ended up being something, that though Satan meant for it to be a curse, God used it to bless us. HE gave us time together as a family and we enjoyed and took advantage of every day. He provided things for us in so many ways and the verse that talks about how we shouldn't worry about what we will wear or eat, or where we will live, yup, he took care of it all. It seemed more like a huge long vacation than anything bad.
7. For family and friends that love us and support us and for the memories we have made and will continue to make through the years.
There is so many more things that are overflowing in my heart right now, but I can't go into all of them. Partly because this would be an extremely long post and mostly because my kids are in the living room shouting, "mom, please get off the computer!" so I must abide. :)
However, I do want to say that times are not always peaches and cream. We all have had and still have Ups / Downs, and Mountains / Valleys, and just times when things are not looking good. I guess my challenge for myself and for anyone reading this is keep your eyes on HIM. He really does have a plan and it is so much bigger and so much greater than anything we could ever imagine. :) Satan will spend his time here trying to pull us down and KEEP us there but if we keep our focus on the things of GOD, we will prevail. :)
I leave you with this last word:
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
1 Chronicles 16:8
Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.
I challenge you to take these verses to heart today and make a list in your mind or on paper, of all God has blessed you with. You may be surprised how many blessings you can actually come up with. :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
God's Provision in Hard Times
My name is Micah Bumbaugh and I am 32 years old. My wife, Michelle (30) and our 2 kids, Ava (5) and Christian (4) live in south-central PA. We’ve been married for 9 years. We listen to your radio show on WCRH 90.5 out of Williamsport, MD. Recently, you asked for anyone to write and tell you about how God has helped you through the current economy. Well, we have such a story. God has been so good, it will be hard to find a concise way to tell it. I’ll try to just hit the highlights.
I lost my job on January 6, 2011. I’m a physical therapist assistant and work mainly in nursing homes. Due to recent changes in Medicare reimbursement for therapy, I have found it difficult to find a new job. I was able to find anywhere from 8-15 hours a week, but nothing consistent. I’m also drawing partial unemployment.
Around the middle of January (about 2 weeks after losing my job), I felt the Lord asking us to give 20%, instead of our usual 10%. We’ve always been faithful tithers and God has come through for us, financially, countless times in our marriage. So this wasn’t such a foreign idea, but I just wasn’t sure how to feel about it. I know we can’t outgive God, but I was still uneasy about it. Well about 2 days later, Michelle came to me and said that she also felt the Lord had spoken to her about the exact same thing!! So it was confirmed that that was what we were to do. So we gave 20% for the month of January.
About 2 weeks later, I went to get our taxes done. And our return was considerably larger than normal years. God literally gave the extra 10% right back and then some!! And during this time, we’ve not fallen behind on any payments and even still have a small surplus for emergency expenses. Only God could do this.
I have really enjoyed these last few months with my family. And to be completely honest, we’ve not really been stressed at all. We’ve spent a lot of time together and my kids do not want me to return to work!! We’ve had several people tell us “we can’t believe how calm you are about this whole thing”. We’ve taken that as a huge compliment. When you trust “do not worry about what you will eat or drink, where you will sleep, what you will wear”, you can live in peace no matter what the situation. So we have chosen to enjoy this time. Ava starts kindergarten in the fall, so we can’t think of a better time for this to happen to us. They are only this little once. So I’m trying to cherish every moment. But without God’s peace, I couldn’t do that. And I’m so blessed to have a wife who is on board with this peace as well. Her not being stressed has been a huge encouragement to me.
At the beginning of May I received a call for a 13 week traveling assignment, beginning May 31, ending Sept 2. The commute is about an hour and 10 mins each way, but the pay is really good. At least I’ll have full time work for the summer. I don’t know what Sept 3 holds, but God does. So He’ll take us across that bridge then.
Now I want to back up a little. Because the story above is a culmination of literally years of God proving Himself to us. Without this history, we could not have enjoyed my time off. So I’d like to share with you my personal money testimony.
Throughout my teen years and into my mid 20s, I struggled mightily with the love of money and it caused me to get angry a lot with Michelle and cause strife in our marriage (mainly due to our different spending habits). About 2 years into our marriage, the Lord broke me of the love of money.
At the time, my mother-in-law was part of a prayer ministry that served to pray for people for physical and emotional healings. They met every Thursday evening. I was diagnosed with Scoriatic arthritis when I was 14 and had lived since then in a good bit of daily pain. So they were going to pray for my physical healing.
The week before they prayed for me, my wife went to the Thursday evening meeting with her mom (without me). Prior to this particular evening, my mother-in-law spoke to one of her prayer partners, Jim, and told him that I wanted to get prayer for physical healing from arthritis (she didn’t tell him anything else about me). She asked him to begin praying to see if God would direct him with any discernment for me. At the end of the evening, Jim came over to my wife and gave her a pamphlet. He told her that there was something in this pamphlet that the Lord wanted me to hear. And if I didn’t get control of this area of my life, he felt God said 2 things would happen: 1) I would be in more physical pain than I could stand, and 2) God said He would lift His hand of protection over me.
So she came home and gave it to me. I opened the pamphlet and the first word was “money”. The entire pamphlet was about the love of money. Only God could have told Jim this about me. Michelle and I prayed together on the spot and asked God to free me from this burden. And this was one time when God said an outright yes to one of my prayers. It was a process to let it go completely, but there was a significant amount of immediate freedom.
We had Ava about 2 years later. Michelle’s life-long dream was to be a homemaker and mother. So she quit work when she was 8 months pregnant and has never returned to work. It doesn’t make (worldly) sense to cut your income in half and have your expenses go up. But God is bigger than the world. I can’t tell you how many times He has intervened in our finances. God put me in positions at work where there were places for advancement and I was promoted into a management position. Within a few years, I was making almost as much as we were with 2 incomes!! Only God could have done that. And it wasn’t always easy, but we always had peace. There were months when we only had a few dollars to our name, but all our bills were paid and we had a place to live and food to eat and most importantly, each other.
At this point, we’re continuing to take it one day at a time. We have peace that no matter what comes our way, God already has it taken care of.
I lost my job on January 6, 2011. I’m a physical therapist assistant and work mainly in nursing homes. Due to recent changes in Medicare reimbursement for therapy, I have found it difficult to find a new job. I was able to find anywhere from 8-15 hours a week, but nothing consistent. I’m also drawing partial unemployment.
Around the middle of January (about 2 weeks after losing my job), I felt the Lord asking us to give 20%, instead of our usual 10%. We’ve always been faithful tithers and God has come through for us, financially, countless times in our marriage. So this wasn’t such a foreign idea, but I just wasn’t sure how to feel about it. I know we can’t outgive God, but I was still uneasy about it. Well about 2 days later, Michelle came to me and said that she also felt the Lord had spoken to her about the exact same thing!! So it was confirmed that that was what we were to do. So we gave 20% for the month of January.
About 2 weeks later, I went to get our taxes done. And our return was considerably larger than normal years. God literally gave the extra 10% right back and then some!! And during this time, we’ve not fallen behind on any payments and even still have a small surplus for emergency expenses. Only God could do this.
I have really enjoyed these last few months with my family. And to be completely honest, we’ve not really been stressed at all. We’ve spent a lot of time together and my kids do not want me to return to work!! We’ve had several people tell us “we can’t believe how calm you are about this whole thing”. We’ve taken that as a huge compliment. When you trust “do not worry about what you will eat or drink, where you will sleep, what you will wear”, you can live in peace no matter what the situation. So we have chosen to enjoy this time. Ava starts kindergarten in the fall, so we can’t think of a better time for this to happen to us. They are only this little once. So I’m trying to cherish every moment. But without God’s peace, I couldn’t do that. And I’m so blessed to have a wife who is on board with this peace as well. Her not being stressed has been a huge encouragement to me.
At the beginning of May I received a call for a 13 week traveling assignment, beginning May 31, ending Sept 2. The commute is about an hour and 10 mins each way, but the pay is really good. At least I’ll have full time work for the summer. I don’t know what Sept 3 holds, but God does. So He’ll take us across that bridge then.
Now I want to back up a little. Because the story above is a culmination of literally years of God proving Himself to us. Without this history, we could not have enjoyed my time off. So I’d like to share with you my personal money testimony.
Throughout my teen years and into my mid 20s, I struggled mightily with the love of money and it caused me to get angry a lot with Michelle and cause strife in our marriage (mainly due to our different spending habits). About 2 years into our marriage, the Lord broke me of the love of money.
At the time, my mother-in-law was part of a prayer ministry that served to pray for people for physical and emotional healings. They met every Thursday evening. I was diagnosed with Scoriatic arthritis when I was 14 and had lived since then in a good bit of daily pain. So they were going to pray for my physical healing.
The week before they prayed for me, my wife went to the Thursday evening meeting with her mom (without me). Prior to this particular evening, my mother-in-law spoke to one of her prayer partners, Jim, and told him that I wanted to get prayer for physical healing from arthritis (she didn’t tell him anything else about me). She asked him to begin praying to see if God would direct him with any discernment for me. At the end of the evening, Jim came over to my wife and gave her a pamphlet. He told her that there was something in this pamphlet that the Lord wanted me to hear. And if I didn’t get control of this area of my life, he felt God said 2 things would happen: 1) I would be in more physical pain than I could stand, and 2) God said He would lift His hand of protection over me.
So she came home and gave it to me. I opened the pamphlet and the first word was “money”. The entire pamphlet was about the love of money. Only God could have told Jim this about me. Michelle and I prayed together on the spot and asked God to free me from this burden. And this was one time when God said an outright yes to one of my prayers. It was a process to let it go completely, but there was a significant amount of immediate freedom.
We had Ava about 2 years later. Michelle’s life-long dream was to be a homemaker and mother. So she quit work when she was 8 months pregnant and has never returned to work. It doesn’t make (worldly) sense to cut your income in half and have your expenses go up. But God is bigger than the world. I can’t tell you how many times He has intervened in our finances. God put me in positions at work where there were places for advancement and I was promoted into a management position. Within a few years, I was making almost as much as we were with 2 incomes!! Only God could have done that. And it wasn’t always easy, but we always had peace. There were months when we only had a few dollars to our name, but all our bills were paid and we had a place to live and food to eat and most importantly, each other.
At this point, we’re continuing to take it one day at a time. We have peace that no matter what comes our way, God already has it taken care of.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Home Safe and Sound?
Life took awhile to really settle back down. We joked around a lot but mostly in denial of what had happened. It took a bit to get a routine started again and luckily we had lots of family and friends to support us and rally around us. Many came to our rescue from cleaning my house to helping me watch the kids. IT was hard sitting while allowing someone else to clean and do all the dirty work, but I had forceful and loving family and friends who stood beside us all the way.
I was on a no driving or lifting restriction and this was hard for the kids to understand. They couldn't comprehend why mommy had left in the first place and then it was hard for them to comprehend me not being able to carry them or even to lift them on my lap. They quickly learned to climb on my lap on their own, but it was still an adjustment. I was also VERY TIRED. I would catch myself looking forward to, even dreaming about, that night when it was time to go to bed. Often I was in bed and sleeping by 8:00 p.m. This was new to me too since I used to never get to bed before midnight or even 1:00 the next morning.
Like I said, Lots of adjustments. Things were different and one of these differences was I had NO EMOTION about anything. I was tired and just sort of out of touch with life. I felt very disconnected with people and even my husband and kids. I was depressed which was a very common thing after a heart attack but also very strange to feel so out of touch with others. I would go out to with friends and sit there and smile, but I was so so lonely and empty inside. That was a long going feeling that lasted for a few months. My doctor did up my prozac but it only seemed to make me less depressed but not more connected. This was a very hard time in my life. Challenging and yet I found myself wishing I had died so I could be done with all of this and in Heaven. I was scared to death that I was going to have another heart attack and I was scared I wouldn't have one too. It was the strangest time in my life. I thought things like my kids would be better off without me and my husband would too. Stupid thoughts, but it really is how I felt.
During this dark time of my life, I felt bad that I wasn't praising God I was alive. I should be right? People all around me were telling me how grateful they were that God chose to spare me, but why wasn't I grateful? I just had NO EMOTION, once again. The next few weeks, even months proved to be long and hard but the end result is better and more blessed than I could ever have imagined. I will get to that later.
So, now I am home and safe. . . or as safe as they could guarantee a 29 year old that had just had a heart attack. Now started the journey of my new and blessed life that was to follow my long exhausting recovery.
I was on a no driving or lifting restriction and this was hard for the kids to understand. They couldn't comprehend why mommy had left in the first place and then it was hard for them to comprehend me not being able to carry them or even to lift them on my lap. They quickly learned to climb on my lap on their own, but it was still an adjustment. I was also VERY TIRED. I would catch myself looking forward to, even dreaming about, that night when it was time to go to bed. Often I was in bed and sleeping by 8:00 p.m. This was new to me too since I used to never get to bed before midnight or even 1:00 the next morning.
Like I said, Lots of adjustments. Things were different and one of these differences was I had NO EMOTION about anything. I was tired and just sort of out of touch with life. I felt very disconnected with people and even my husband and kids. I was depressed which was a very common thing after a heart attack but also very strange to feel so out of touch with others. I would go out to with friends and sit there and smile, but I was so so lonely and empty inside. That was a long going feeling that lasted for a few months. My doctor did up my prozac but it only seemed to make me less depressed but not more connected. This was a very hard time in my life. Challenging and yet I found myself wishing I had died so I could be done with all of this and in Heaven. I was scared to death that I was going to have another heart attack and I was scared I wouldn't have one too. It was the strangest time in my life. I thought things like my kids would be better off without me and my husband would too. Stupid thoughts, but it really is how I felt.
During this dark time of my life, I felt bad that I wasn't praising God I was alive. I should be right? People all around me were telling me how grateful they were that God chose to spare me, but why wasn't I grateful? I just had NO EMOTION, once again. The next few weeks, even months proved to be long and hard but the end result is better and more blessed than I could ever have imagined. I will get to that later.
So, now I am home and safe. . . or as safe as they could guarantee a 29 year old that had just had a heart attack. Now started the journey of my new and blessed life that was to follow my long exhausting recovery.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Final Diagnosis
Getting the results back from the MRI of my heart seemed to take forever. However, I was not worried of the outcome. I knew that it was probably a heart attack, even though the doctors at this point still all wanted to believe it wasn't. I can't even tell you how many times in that whole week, I heard one person after another shake their head and comment on how it looked like a heart attack, but I was just too young for them to believe it.
So, when the doctor and his team of students following him, finally came in to talk, they informed me that I had in fact had a heart attack. They found a congenital heart defect (meaning from birth) that had gone undetected all these years. The defect was that I had a myocardial bridge, which is layman's terms is a a place where the heart muscle grew over top one of the arteries, causing that particular artery and part of heart to be getting less blood flow. In turn, this kept the bottom part of my heart from developing to it's full potential. Usually the arteries and vessels run over top the heart muscle. The problem with it running under the heart muscle is that every time my heart beats, the vessel is squeezed shut, and blocks off blood flow. When they showed me what they found on the MRI, they showed me that the narrowing of the Left Anterior Descending Artery was in fact due to the heart muscle myocardial bridge. My heart attack was a mild one, compared to what it could have been.
After hearing what they had to say, they left us to believe it was because of the narrowing and the myocardial bridge, that my heart attack happened. You see, if your heart beats 40 - 50 beats a minute, then that arteries blood supply at the narrowing only gets shut off 40 - 50 times, but when I am active or exercising and my heart rate goes up to 100, then that means the blood flow in that area is getting blocked that many times a minute. Blood carries oxygen and so in that time, the blood / oxygen is being blocked from that part of my heart and that is what caused the heart attack.
Turns out I am a walking miracle. I had this my whole life and yet God carried me through and protected my heart. AMAZING and I couldn't be more grateful.
Okay, so all that said, they told me to make a follow-up appointment with my Heart Doctor and then discharged me from the hospital. The restrictions were as follows:
Six weeks of no driving, no lifting more than a milk jug, no vacuuming, no cleaning, no anything really. When you are trying to rest any muscle in the body, you have to give it a break from most activities and not use it a lot. When you are resting your heart, turns out you can't do much of ANYTHING. Oh, and they warned me not to get stressed. Um, yeah, I have two toddlers!!! :) All this said, I left that day feeling very happy to be in normal clothes and heading home. I of course had to milk this up a little to Micah. ;) I told him I couldn't open the car door, since I just had had a heart attack. I thought we could use a little humor, turns out he didn't find it so funny. ;)
The best part. . .. .I was going home to my babies. Praise the Lord.
So, when the doctor and his team of students following him, finally came in to talk, they informed me that I had in fact had a heart attack. They found a congenital heart defect (meaning from birth) that had gone undetected all these years. The defect was that I had a myocardial bridge, which is layman's terms is a a place where the heart muscle grew over top one of the arteries, causing that particular artery and part of heart to be getting less blood flow. In turn, this kept the bottom part of my heart from developing to it's full potential. Usually the arteries and vessels run over top the heart muscle. The problem with it running under the heart muscle is that every time my heart beats, the vessel is squeezed shut, and blocks off blood flow. When they showed me what they found on the MRI, they showed me that the narrowing of the Left Anterior Descending Artery was in fact due to the heart muscle myocardial bridge. My heart attack was a mild one, compared to what it could have been.
After hearing what they had to say, they left us to believe it was because of the narrowing and the myocardial bridge, that my heart attack happened. You see, if your heart beats 40 - 50 beats a minute, then that arteries blood supply at the narrowing only gets shut off 40 - 50 times, but when I am active or exercising and my heart rate goes up to 100, then that means the blood flow in that area is getting blocked that many times a minute. Blood carries oxygen and so in that time, the blood / oxygen is being blocked from that part of my heart and that is what caused the heart attack.
Turns out I am a walking miracle. I had this my whole life and yet God carried me through and protected my heart. AMAZING and I couldn't be more grateful.
Okay, so all that said, they told me to make a follow-up appointment with my Heart Doctor and then discharged me from the hospital. The restrictions were as follows:
Six weeks of no driving, no lifting more than a milk jug, no vacuuming, no cleaning, no anything really. When you are trying to rest any muscle in the body, you have to give it a break from most activities and not use it a lot. When you are resting your heart, turns out you can't do much of ANYTHING. Oh, and they warned me not to get stressed. Um, yeah, I have two toddlers!!! :) All this said, I left that day feeling very happy to be in normal clothes and heading home. I of course had to milk this up a little to Micah. ;) I told him I couldn't open the car door, since I just had had a heart attack. I thought we could use a little humor, turns out he didn't find it so funny. ;)
The best part. . .. .I was going home to my babies. Praise the Lord.
Monday, February 21, 2011
My Anchor
As Micah mentioned in his perspective of the situation, after a few days stay, they finally did get me transferred to Hershey Hospital so I could have the MRI of my heart done. I was taken by ambulance, which was not a necessity but the doctors had to be sure nothing happened on the way I guess. When we got there, they got me checked in and then started getting me prepared for the next day when I was to have the MRI. I was very nervous. I hated new places and now I was even further away from my loved ones. I was scared and I had heard enough about the MRIs to be anxious. I hate small enclosed areas and I am not good at not moving.
The next morning, the tech came to take me down to get the MRI done. I was full of anxiety about what was coming and how I would do. .but most of all, what were they going to find? As they situated me on the board and then rolled me into the machine, I started to get inwardly panicky. They asked me what music I wanted to listen to and I asked if they had any christian contemporary. They said they were sure they did but it might take a little longer to find it. :) Guess that wasn't a common request.
They were talking to me and telling me to hold my breath and then breath and then hold my breath for longer. I wasn't allowed to move because they needed the heart to be in the same position for all the pics. I think I got scared when they told me they were sending the dye up through my body and I got nauseated thinking of it traveling through my body and through my heart. IT was a very cold sensation. Finally, at one of my most panicked moments, when I wasn't sure how much more I could handle, I started to silently cry to myself. As the first few tears were streaming down my face, the music came on. The song was a Ray Boltz song. . . .The Anchor Holds. The words,
the anchor holds
though the ship is battered
the anchor holds
though the sails are torn
i have fallen on my knees
as i faced the raging seas
the anchor holds
in spite of the storm
came on and I started to smile. I knew God was carrying me through the storm. NO MATTER what the outcome and what was left after the storm, the LORD was carrying me through. I felt as though the seas were raging around me, and He was holding me. I hadn't heard the song in years, but it ministered to my heart at that very instant and I knew God was my Anchor and that was all I needed to know at that moment. I don't know how much longer the MRI went but it was not long in my mind. I was at peace and I felt as though God had directly spoke into my spirit at exact the precise moment I needed to hear from him.
When they brought me out and sent me to my room, I was crying as I shared with mom and Micah, how God had shown himself to me. Mom was crying too, of course. :) She knew this was another moment that, while every mother wants to be there for their children and fix it all, she couldn't. She was so glad to know that GOD, who had promised her that he would be there to take care of me, followed through with his end of the bargain. We finally all had peace that NO MATTER what the outcome, we were gonna be okay.
The next morning, the tech came to take me down to get the MRI done. I was full of anxiety about what was coming and how I would do. .but most of all, what were they going to find? As they situated me on the board and then rolled me into the machine, I started to get inwardly panicky. They asked me what music I wanted to listen to and I asked if they had any christian contemporary. They said they were sure they did but it might take a little longer to find it. :) Guess that wasn't a common request.
They were talking to me and telling me to hold my breath and then breath and then hold my breath for longer. I wasn't allowed to move because they needed the heart to be in the same position for all the pics. I think I got scared when they told me they were sending the dye up through my body and I got nauseated thinking of it traveling through my body and through my heart. IT was a very cold sensation. Finally, at one of my most panicked moments, when I wasn't sure how much more I could handle, I started to silently cry to myself. As the first few tears were streaming down my face, the music came on. The song was a Ray Boltz song. . . .The Anchor Holds. The words,
the anchor holds
though the ship is battered
the anchor holds
though the sails are torn
i have fallen on my knees
as i faced the raging seas
the anchor holds
in spite of the storm
came on and I started to smile. I knew God was carrying me through the storm. NO MATTER what the outcome and what was left after the storm, the LORD was carrying me through. I felt as though the seas were raging around me, and He was holding me. I hadn't heard the song in years, but it ministered to my heart at that very instant and I knew God was my Anchor and that was all I needed to know at that moment. I don't know how much longer the MRI went but it was not long in my mind. I was at peace and I felt as though God had directly spoke into my spirit at exact the precise moment I needed to hear from him.
When they brought me out and sent me to my room, I was crying as I shared with mom and Micah, how God had shown himself to me. Mom was crying too, of course. :) She knew this was another moment that, while every mother wants to be there for their children and fix it all, she couldn't. She was so glad to know that GOD, who had promised her that he would be there to take care of me, followed through with his end of the bargain. We finally all had peace that NO MATTER what the outcome, we were gonna be okay.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Waiting Room
I have been reading a book written by one of my favorite women authors. . . Joyce Meyer. The book is "Enjoying Where You are on the Way to Where You are Going." It is a good book and it has been a significant help in my life throughout the past years journey. I found that I spend too much time looking for the next high and not enjoying where I am at that very moment in time. I did this throughout my childhood, and then throughout my adolescence and now into my adult years. I couldn't wait to get married and then, the whole three years of marriage without children, well, I wished them away anticipating the arrival of my children. When I had Ava, she was not even a whole year old and I was anticipating having another, but we did foster care and ended up getting Christian when Ava was only 14 months old. Then, yup, you guessed it right, I was anticipating when they would be old enough that I could sleep again. Then when they were a few years old, I started wanting a baby again. Wow, thinking it is one thing but to see it written out is another. How terrible to be always searching, but I do this and I believe I am not the only one. In fact, many of my friends have shared they do the same thing, and then they find themselves doing exactly what I find myself doing: looking back in my life and wishing I could go back and just ENJOY those moments.
My hubby actually was a huge part in helping me to see this in myself. He said it wasn't possible to make and keep me happy. I argued because I am a pretty happy person my nature, but then he pointed out the whole life scenario of my life and I couldn't believe it. So, as I got this book, I started to get really excited when I realized that this was a common problem for many others also. I found comfort in that fact and started reading on how to find joy and be content with wherever my life was.
I will get back to this book later on, but the one chapter that stood out to me was the one that talks about while in the waiting room. That seems to be the very hardest part for me. I feel as though I have faith and I am good at keeping my head up, but my endurance isn't very good. Sometimes the waiting room, whether at a hospital or in our lives, is excruciatingly painful. When we are waiting in the waiting room at a hospital, it is usually just a time of hanging out until we get the news we want or worse, news we don't want. It can be scary and anxious and absolutely no fun at all. The only time I enjoy a waiting room is when I am waiting for the news of a new baby but even then, there is always a little anxiety there too. Let's face it, waiting for anything that we want or even the things we don't want can be almost unbearable, escpecially in a self gratifying and quick gratification kind of world. This means, we want it and we want it now.
So, as I have been focusing and working on this in my life, the time came for the "waiting room" with my heart attack. I knew God was up to something and yet, I was not sure what. I knew he had plans and he was watching out for my best interest, but I was also anxious about WHAT that was. I decided that it was time to wait and wait patiently. There wasn't anything I could do and I was going to wait with anticipation for what GREAT things God had planned for my future. I knew that he was wiser and stronger than all the doctors that seemed baffled, so I just focused on looking to him. That is really the only way I got through the week with my heart episode.
My hubby actually was a huge part in helping me to see this in myself. He said it wasn't possible to make and keep me happy. I argued because I am a pretty happy person my nature, but then he pointed out the whole life scenario of my life and I couldn't believe it. So, as I got this book, I started to get really excited when I realized that this was a common problem for many others also. I found comfort in that fact and started reading on how to find joy and be content with wherever my life was.
I will get back to this book later on, but the one chapter that stood out to me was the one that talks about while in the waiting room. That seems to be the very hardest part for me. I feel as though I have faith and I am good at keeping my head up, but my endurance isn't very good. Sometimes the waiting room, whether at a hospital or in our lives, is excruciatingly painful. When we are waiting in the waiting room at a hospital, it is usually just a time of hanging out until we get the news we want or worse, news we don't want. It can be scary and anxious and absolutely no fun at all. The only time I enjoy a waiting room is when I am waiting for the news of a new baby but even then, there is always a little anxiety there too. Let's face it, waiting for anything that we want or even the things we don't want can be almost unbearable, escpecially in a self gratifying and quick gratification kind of world. This means, we want it and we want it now.
So, as I have been focusing and working on this in my life, the time came for the "waiting room" with my heart attack. I knew God was up to something and yet, I was not sure what. I knew he had plans and he was watching out for my best interest, but I was also anxious about WHAT that was. I decided that it was time to wait and wait patiently. There wasn't anything I could do and I was going to wait with anticipation for what GREAT things God had planned for my future. I knew that he was wiser and stronger than all the doctors that seemed baffled, so I just focused on looking to him. That is really the only way I got through the week with my heart episode.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Diagnosis Myocarditis a False
I woke up numerous times that first night in the hospital, due to the alarms hooked up to me sounding that my heart rate was too low. Whenever I would fall into my deep sleep, my heart rate would drop and then the nurse would have to come in and check on me and then reset the alarm. I was so frustrated and scared, but honestly, mostly annoyed. The night nurse told me, as she was leaving in the morning, that she was surprised I was not rushed for an emergent heart cath. during the night because my heart rate was low and something was not right. However, I made it through the night to be woke up early and wheeled down to the Eco cardiogram room to get pics of my heart. Micah was to wait up in the room for me. They told him it would be about two hours till I got back. He laid in my bed to take a little nappies.
When I got down there, the tech taking my eco cardiogram said my heart's ejection fraction was kind of low and she was alarmed at my heart rate. She scooted out to talk to my doctor, which happened to be the doctor that has been following my brother for years, and then the Dr. came to talk to me. She said she knew who I was and with my brother's history and the looks of what they were seeing with my heart so far, they were not going to put me through the heart stress test, instead they were sending me for a heart cath. Up until this point, they had felt like I had myocarditis which was like a cold of the heart, but now they were acting as though they had suspicion it was something more. I was scared. I hate needles, and procedures and I was so nervous that they were not putting me out for this particular procedure.
They wheeled me up to my room, where Micah was and he got news and rushed to call my mom at work. She decided to leave work and head to the hospital. At this point, the nurse came to get me to take me to the heart cath prep room. I was quietly praying for God to give me strength. I was SCARED. What were they going to find? Micah walked with me and prayed with me for strength and calmness. When we got down to the room, the team that was going to be with me came out and introduced themselves and then they stood there while I silently said goodbye to Micah and though I was not sobbing loudly, the tears that were streaming down my face were tears of fear and the unknown. Then they gave me some drugs to help numb me.
The Doctor came in and started the Cath. I remember them talking about all sorts of random things and then they would check on me to see if I was alright. I remember being so cold and then them telling me that their was some resistance. I was drugged enough to not remember all they said but the doctor told me something about how my hearts LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery was not developed properly. He did show me on the picture, and he explained it like this. Every one's vessels in their hearts are larger and taper off at the end. ..mine was larger and then went extremely thin with no tapering. Kind of like a mechanical blockage. He said it was congenital, meaning I was born with it. There was no explanation why it would act up now when it had gone undiscovered for 29 years so far. However, it was too small to stint or bypass so there was nothing to do for it. Very weird, and once again, no real answers.
I got back up to my room, with weights on my legs. I was not allowed to move my legs for a few hours due to risk of complications or bleeding, because they had gone up through my femoral artery for the cath. This is common procedure, but yet again, I was so paranoid. What if I got antsy, moved a tad, and caused a blood clot to head up to my heart? However, all of this anxiety was making my chest pains more frequent. I was in a mess and I had to try and stay calm. I had lots of support and I knew many were praying but I was a bit upset that this was going on.
A few hours later, my doctor came in to talk to me. She looked at my mom and said, "how many kids do you have?" My mom told her she only had two, my brother and I, and the doctor said, "well, that is good you stopped at two." We all kind of chuckled and then she went on to tell us what she was thinking. She felt I needed to have an MRI on my heart, but this was not something this hospital had the ability to perform, so she was trying to get me transferred to another hospital. I was actually feeling better after they told me this because I was starting to feel in my spirit that something else was wrong and they needed to get to the bottom of it before they sent me home. So, at the end of the first full day in the hospital, we were sure we were heading somewhere in the next few days. Still no answers, but at least they were still searching.
Micah and my mom went and got the kids that night to make sure they could be with their daddy. They were not allowed to come and visit me because of the SWINE flu epidemic. I was so upset and missing them sooo much. Mother and children should never be separated as they are the best medicine for each other. :)
I knew I was scared but I was starting to feel a real peace about what God was asking of me. I started talking to mom and Micah about what I wanted for the kids if I was not to make it through this. I know it sounded dramatic, but I was feeling desperate. I had to make plans. I had to know my kids and hubby and mom were gonna be okay. Most of all, I pleaded with God to continue to hold my hand through this journey and in fact, actually, maybe he could just carry me, rather than walk beside me. He did just that too.
When I got down there, the tech taking my eco cardiogram said my heart's ejection fraction was kind of low and she was alarmed at my heart rate. She scooted out to talk to my doctor, which happened to be the doctor that has been following my brother for years, and then the Dr. came to talk to me. She said she knew who I was and with my brother's history and the looks of what they were seeing with my heart so far, they were not going to put me through the heart stress test, instead they were sending me for a heart cath. Up until this point, they had felt like I had myocarditis which was like a cold of the heart, but now they were acting as though they had suspicion it was something more. I was scared. I hate needles, and procedures and I was so nervous that they were not putting me out for this particular procedure.
They wheeled me up to my room, where Micah was and he got news and rushed to call my mom at work. She decided to leave work and head to the hospital. At this point, the nurse came to get me to take me to the heart cath prep room. I was quietly praying for God to give me strength. I was SCARED. What were they going to find? Micah walked with me and prayed with me for strength and calmness. When we got down to the room, the team that was going to be with me came out and introduced themselves and then they stood there while I silently said goodbye to Micah and though I was not sobbing loudly, the tears that were streaming down my face were tears of fear and the unknown. Then they gave me some drugs to help numb me.
The Doctor came in and started the Cath. I remember them talking about all sorts of random things and then they would check on me to see if I was alright. I remember being so cold and then them telling me that their was some resistance. I was drugged enough to not remember all they said but the doctor told me something about how my hearts LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery was not developed properly. He did show me on the picture, and he explained it like this. Every one's vessels in their hearts are larger and taper off at the end. ..mine was larger and then went extremely thin with no tapering. Kind of like a mechanical blockage. He said it was congenital, meaning I was born with it. There was no explanation why it would act up now when it had gone undiscovered for 29 years so far. However, it was too small to stint or bypass so there was nothing to do for it. Very weird, and once again, no real answers.
I got back up to my room, with weights on my legs. I was not allowed to move my legs for a few hours due to risk of complications or bleeding, because they had gone up through my femoral artery for the cath. This is common procedure, but yet again, I was so paranoid. What if I got antsy, moved a tad, and caused a blood clot to head up to my heart? However, all of this anxiety was making my chest pains more frequent. I was in a mess and I had to try and stay calm. I had lots of support and I knew many were praying but I was a bit upset that this was going on.
A few hours later, my doctor came in to talk to me. She looked at my mom and said, "how many kids do you have?" My mom told her she only had two, my brother and I, and the doctor said, "well, that is good you stopped at two." We all kind of chuckled and then she went on to tell us what she was thinking. She felt I needed to have an MRI on my heart, but this was not something this hospital had the ability to perform, so she was trying to get me transferred to another hospital. I was actually feeling better after they told me this because I was starting to feel in my spirit that something else was wrong and they needed to get to the bottom of it before they sent me home. So, at the end of the first full day in the hospital, we were sure we were heading somewhere in the next few days. Still no answers, but at least they were still searching.
Micah and my mom went and got the kids that night to make sure they could be with their daddy. They were not allowed to come and visit me because of the SWINE flu epidemic. I was so upset and missing them sooo much. Mother and children should never be separated as they are the best medicine for each other. :)
I knew I was scared but I was starting to feel a real peace about what God was asking of me. I started talking to mom and Micah about what I wanted for the kids if I was not to make it through this. I know it sounded dramatic, but I was feeling desperate. I had to make plans. I had to know my kids and hubby and mom were gonna be okay. Most of all, I pleaded with God to continue to hold my hand through this journey and in fact, actually, maybe he could just carry me, rather than walk beside me. He did just that too.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Micah's Perspective
I was napping with the kids while Michelle went to our family physician to get checked out. She called me to say the Dr wanted her at the ER and wanted someone to drive her. The office is 15 minutes from home and I needed to get both kids up and dressed, so I said, "give me 20-25 minutes". She said ok and hung up. About 2 minutes later, she called back. She said the Dr said 20 minutes was too long...get here now.
So now I start to panic a little. I left the kids in their jammies, put them in the back of the car without strapping them in their seats, told them to sit down and took off. I called my father-in-law, informed him of the situation and asked him to meet me at the ER to get the kids, which he agreed to do.
Once all the tests were complete, the Dr's didn't know what to make of her situation, because of her age. Everything pointed to a heart attack, but they didn't want to take anything for granted. It might be something else. They decided to admit her and investigate other options, with the first step being a stress test the next morning.
I called my work and told them what was going on. Fortunately we were slow at the time and everyone told me to take all the time I needed, which was a big blessing. My mom and sister jumped right in and agreed to share the responsibility of our 2 kids for as long as we needed. Another blessing. So work and the kids were taken care of. Check.
The next morning, the cardiologist cancelled the stress test and wanted to go straight for a heart catherization. Michelle's heart rate was too low for a stress test. Ok, now things are escalating.
The heart cath revealed that her LAD artery was too small. The cath did not reveal why, so now we needed a cardiac MRI. This could only be done at John Hopkins or Hershey. We opted for Hershey.
The cardiologist was fairly convinced that it was Myocarditis, an infection in the heart (basically, her heart had a cold and would get better with rest). Myocarditis can cause blood work to look like it does when someone has a heart attack. But she wanted to be sure. So she was transferred by ambulance to Hershey 2 days later (that's as soon as they could see her).
The cardiac MRI at Hershey confirmed heart attack. The MRI revealed a Myocardial Bridge. Basically, her heart muscle, for an unknown reason, grew up and over her LAD artery and has probably been like that since birth. Every time her heart beats, it pinches off the artery. The artery was underdeveloped and even too small for a stint. So really, nothing could be done. We would be discharged home the next day and follow up with a cardiologist to take her case. So we had some answers, but many more that would have to wait to be answered.
At this time, I will admit that the situation hadn't hit me yet. We had been through trials before and God was always faithful to see us through. I thought, ok, I wonder how God is going to work this one out? I really wasn't scared yet. We would later conclude that I went into survival mode. I needed to be strong for my family, and my personality is perfect for this "do what needs done without much feeling" role.
Little did I know that, a month and a half later, God would perform a miracle in me that would change our marriage for the better and help foster Michelle's healing process.
So now I start to panic a little. I left the kids in their jammies, put them in the back of the car without strapping them in their seats, told them to sit down and took off. I called my father-in-law, informed him of the situation and asked him to meet me at the ER to get the kids, which he agreed to do.
Once all the tests were complete, the Dr's didn't know what to make of her situation, because of her age. Everything pointed to a heart attack, but they didn't want to take anything for granted. It might be something else. They decided to admit her and investigate other options, with the first step being a stress test the next morning.
I called my work and told them what was going on. Fortunately we were slow at the time and everyone told me to take all the time I needed, which was a big blessing. My mom and sister jumped right in and agreed to share the responsibility of our 2 kids for as long as we needed. Another blessing. So work and the kids were taken care of. Check.
The next morning, the cardiologist cancelled the stress test and wanted to go straight for a heart catherization. Michelle's heart rate was too low for a stress test. Ok, now things are escalating.
The heart cath revealed that her LAD artery was too small. The cath did not reveal why, so now we needed a cardiac MRI. This could only be done at John Hopkins or Hershey. We opted for Hershey.
The cardiologist was fairly convinced that it was Myocarditis, an infection in the heart (basically, her heart had a cold and would get better with rest). Myocarditis can cause blood work to look like it does when someone has a heart attack. But she wanted to be sure. So she was transferred by ambulance to Hershey 2 days later (that's as soon as they could see her).
The cardiac MRI at Hershey confirmed heart attack. The MRI revealed a Myocardial Bridge. Basically, her heart muscle, for an unknown reason, grew up and over her LAD artery and has probably been like that since birth. Every time her heart beats, it pinches off the artery. The artery was underdeveloped and even too small for a stint. So really, nothing could be done. We would be discharged home the next day and follow up with a cardiologist to take her case. So we had some answers, but many more that would have to wait to be answered.
At this time, I will admit that the situation hadn't hit me yet. We had been through trials before and God was always faithful to see us through. I thought, ok, I wonder how God is going to work this one out? I really wasn't scared yet. We would later conclude that I went into survival mode. I needed to be strong for my family, and my personality is perfect for this "do what needs done without much feeling" role.
Little did I know that, a month and a half later, God would perform a miracle in me that would change our marriage for the better and help foster Michelle's healing process.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Ride Begins
Micah came speeding into the parking lot with both kids in the car. They knew something wasn't right, because they were both being much quieter than they usually were. Ava did ask me if I was OK and I told her yes. Something about the urgency in her little voice scared me. What if I was telling her I was going to be okay and then I wasn't? I couldn't let my mind go there.
As we drove the three miles from the doctors office to the hospital, Micah told me he had called my dad and he was meeting us to get the kids at the ER. He would take them home and then go from there. I was reading over the doctors scribbles on the paper I was to give to the triage doctor and my eyes fell on the word, "bradicardia." I knew this was a term used for slow heart rate, because I had seen this same term on my younger brother's reports a few years earlier. It scared me. Was I about to find out something life altering? I kept thinking I needed to stay calm because I knew enough to know that if it really was heart related, stress and anxiety could worsen my situation.
Micah was very calm, which is true to his nature when I am upset. I couldn't believe we were headed to the ER again. We had just finished saying to each other about a week earlier, "well, lets make this a good year medically, no hospital visits." Little did we know.
Once we arrived at the hospital, my dad was not too far behind us. He took the kids and we signed in. Being the age of 29, we got a lot of raised eye brows when I explained my symptoms. I am not sure if they thought I was just a person seeking attention or what, but they definitely had their own opinions about it. They did put me back in a room and started the blood work and all that is entailed with any heart patient. After waiting the time for the blood work to come back, the ER Doctor came in and started telling us what he thought. He felt that, if I was older, he would def. had diagnosed me with a heart attack. My enzyme levels were elevated which was a red flag pointing at the heart attack diagnosis, but because I was only 29 years old, they were hesitant to be too hasty in diagnosing. They were not too sure what to do, so they finally decided to admit me and do a stress test the following morning.
By this time, I had calmed down. I knew the kids were okay and with Grandparents. I knew I was now safe and under watch so I was not so anxious of something fatal happening. I felt much better that they were looking into it and I was tired. I remember, being ready for bed by the time I got to my room and situated. That ends the first day of a long upcoming week.
As we drove the three miles from the doctors office to the hospital, Micah told me he had called my dad and he was meeting us to get the kids at the ER. He would take them home and then go from there. I was reading over the doctors scribbles on the paper I was to give to the triage doctor and my eyes fell on the word, "bradicardia." I knew this was a term used for slow heart rate, because I had seen this same term on my younger brother's reports a few years earlier. It scared me. Was I about to find out something life altering? I kept thinking I needed to stay calm because I knew enough to know that if it really was heart related, stress and anxiety could worsen my situation.
Micah was very calm, which is true to his nature when I am upset. I couldn't believe we were headed to the ER again. We had just finished saying to each other about a week earlier, "well, lets make this a good year medically, no hospital visits." Little did we know.
Once we arrived at the hospital, my dad was not too far behind us. He took the kids and we signed in. Being the age of 29, we got a lot of raised eye brows when I explained my symptoms. I am not sure if they thought I was just a person seeking attention or what, but they definitely had their own opinions about it. They did put me back in a room and started the blood work and all that is entailed with any heart patient. After waiting the time for the blood work to come back, the ER Doctor came in and started telling us what he thought. He felt that, if I was older, he would def. had diagnosed me with a heart attack. My enzyme levels were elevated which was a red flag pointing at the heart attack diagnosis, but because I was only 29 years old, they were hesitant to be too hasty in diagnosing. They were not too sure what to do, so they finally decided to admit me and do a stress test the following morning.
By this time, I had calmed down. I knew the kids were okay and with Grandparents. I knew I was now safe and under watch so I was not so anxious of something fatal happening. I felt much better that they were looking into it and I was tired. I remember, being ready for bed by the time I got to my room and situated. That ends the first day of a long upcoming week.
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