Till We Meet Again - Love you Jess

On November 14, 2011, my life changed forever.  A huge hole, that I never imagined would come to my life, came.  One of my dearest friends went to be with our Saviour.  I got the call Monday morning and I can't really remember much of the week's events after I got the call.  I know many of the questions that followed were painful and raw.

The call was vague and gave no details other than the horrifying truth.  I had lost a friend and didn't get to say goodbye. This particular friend was one that I talked with on a regular basis, a daily basis.  We worked through hard times and laughed through good times.  She used to tell me I was the friend she called when she needed someone to say all the nice things, even if they weren't always true.  I told her I was honest, but just did it in a nice way. We would joke around that we were Xanax for each other, when we had reached our limit for Xanax that day.  :)

I got the call from Micah, and again, I remember little from that point on.  I remember I was holding Jameson as a baby in my arms and when Micah told me the Jess was gone, I remember hearing myself screaming loudly over and over as I ran back and put Jameson in his crib.  The Shock was overwhelming to say the least and the phone calls started coming in asking if we had heard.  A good friend took Christian for us and we headed directly over to the house. 

Jess had battled bipolar for many years and she had put up one heck of a fight but the battle was so intense and in the end it won her over.  She had suffered so much and finally couldn't battle it anymore.  The sorrow and grief that followed in those next few months and years are too much to mention but God was there the whole time guiding everyone for sure.  

Jess had wanted nothing more in life than to be a wife, mother and friend the way God intended her to be.  She was able to have a son and she was a fantastic mom to him and fantastic wife to her hubby.  She had gotten pregnant and then miscarried and that grief was alot of what had overtaken her in the end.  She missed her baby.  

I know where she is and I know she is safe and sound.  My niece shared with me a dream she had after Jess died.  My niece was in Heaven and Jess was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking her baby she had miscarried while here on earth.  She was rocking her baby and smiling.  My niece asked her if she was at peace and Jess shook her head yes while she rocked her baby, smiling sweetly.  That image is what I hold onto in my head when I think of sweet Jess.  When I see her family left behind here on earth still missing her so much, I am reminded that Jess is finally at peace.  After many years of fighting that utter inner turmoil, she is at peace.  Thank you Lord for that.  Thank you for bringing Jess home to you and healing her mind there in Heaven.  

Prayer in the Desert

I have been having a bad week this week, sad about things passed and things to come and things with unknown outcomes.  I feel as though I am very tired, weary and in need of some reason to get up out of bed some days.  The burdens of everyone elses pain seems to be weighing so heavily on me and then of course the pain I carry of my own.
I say all this to say, Thursday night, after a pretty emotional day, I headed to band practice for our church praise band.  I loved the songs that were chosen for us to sing this upcoming Sunday, but the one that hit me  the hardest was the song by Hillsong, - Desert.  The lyrics grabbed me and picked me right up off the ground.  Songs tend to minister to my heart when I am down anyway, but this one was like a breath of fresh air. 

The Desert Song Lyrics

Verse 1:

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides



Verse 2:

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames



Chorus:

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain


I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here



Verse 3:

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand



Bridge:

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship



Verse 4:

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've received I will sow


I guess the song is just a reminder to me of what I need to feel in my heart. . .no matter WHAT circumstances are in my life, no matter what BATTLE  I am going through, I have the God of all God's on my side and He is the one that will carry me through.  The truth is that God is still God, no matter what season of life we are in.  Change is hard and along with Seasons of life come so much change, but if God is still God and still in charge, then what do I have to fear? Right?  God gives me a reason to sing and a reason to worship. . . even when circumstances don't seem joyful or worthy of even a smile.
 I especially like the last verse, where it talks about how we know we are filled to be emptied again, and how we are responsible to sow the seeds God gives us. I feel as though I keep trying to get filled and then I want to rest and never get empty again, because that is just easier.  So here is my new heart's desire.  I want God to fill me with HIM so I can sow the seeds in others, be emptied again, and come back to be filled by Him and only HIM.

Deuteronomy 28: 1-14

Praying for my children is a hard one because I am not sure what to pray. Sometimes I feel so very overwhelmed because I feel there is so much I need / should be praying and I feel as though I am going to MISS something and mess them up for life.  I had a friend share this with me and I have started to speak this over my children often when they are leaving the house to go somewhere or even while they are sleeping.  I  thought I would share this with all of you too. :)

Deuteronomy 28: 1-14


If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high upon all the nations on earth.

All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God.

You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country

The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock – the calves of your herds and lambs of your flocks.

Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction, but flee from you in seven.

The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving to you.

The Lord will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the Lord your God, and walk in his ways.

Then all the peoples on the earth will see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they will fear you.

The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity – in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground – in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

The Lord will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.

The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top and never at the bottom.

Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.