As Micah mentioned in his perspective of the situation, after a few days stay, they finally did get me transferred to Hershey Hospital so I could have the MRI of my heart done. I was taken by ambulance, which was not a necessity but the doctors had to be sure nothing happened on the way I guess. When we got there, they got me checked in and then started getting me prepared for the next day when I was to have the MRI. I was very nervous. I hated new places and now I was even further away from my loved ones. I was scared and I had heard enough about the MRIs to be anxious. I hate small enclosed areas and I am not good at not moving.
The next morning, the tech came to take me down to get the MRI done. I was full of anxiety about what was coming and how I would do. .but most of all, what were they going to find? As they situated me on the board and then rolled me into the machine, I started to get inwardly panicky. They asked me what music I wanted to listen to and I asked if they had any christian contemporary. They said they were sure they did but it might take a little longer to find it. :) Guess that wasn't a common request.
They were talking to me and telling me to hold my breath and then breath and then hold my breath for longer. I wasn't allowed to move because they needed the heart to be in the same position for all the pics. I think I got scared when they told me they were sending the dye up through my body and I got nauseated thinking of it traveling through my body and through my heart. IT was a very cold sensation. Finally, at one of my most panicked moments, when I wasn't sure how much more I could handle, I started to silently cry to myself. As the first few tears were streaming down my face, the music came on. The song was a Ray Boltz song. . . .The Anchor Holds. The words,
the anchor holds
though the ship is battered
the anchor holds
though the sails are torn
i have fallen on my knees
as i faced the raging seas
the anchor holds
in spite of the storm
came on and I started to smile. I knew God was carrying me through the storm. NO MATTER what the outcome and what was left after the storm, the LORD was carrying me through. I felt as though the seas were raging around me, and He was holding me. I hadn't heard the song in years, but it ministered to my heart at that very instant and I knew God was my Anchor and that was all I needed to know at that moment. I don't know how much longer the MRI went but it was not long in my mind. I was at peace and I felt as though God had directly spoke into my spirit at exact the precise moment I needed to hear from him.
When they brought me out and sent me to my room, I was crying as I shared with mom and Micah, how God had shown himself to me. Mom was crying too, of course. :) She knew this was another moment that, while every mother wants to be there for their children and fix it all, she couldn't. She was so glad to know that GOD, who had promised her that he would be there to take care of me, followed through with his end of the bargain. We finally all had peace that NO MATTER what the outcome, we were gonna be okay.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Waiting Room
I have been reading a book written by one of my favorite women authors. . . Joyce Meyer. The book is "Enjoying Where You are on the Way to Where You are Going." It is a good book and it has been a significant help in my life throughout the past years journey. I found that I spend too much time looking for the next high and not enjoying where I am at that very moment in time. I did this throughout my childhood, and then throughout my adolescence and now into my adult years. I couldn't wait to get married and then, the whole three years of marriage without children, well, I wished them away anticipating the arrival of my children. When I had Ava, she was not even a whole year old and I was anticipating having another, but we did foster care and ended up getting Christian when Ava was only 14 months old. Then, yup, you guessed it right, I was anticipating when they would be old enough that I could sleep again. Then when they were a few years old, I started wanting a baby again. Wow, thinking it is one thing but to see it written out is another. How terrible to be always searching, but I do this and I believe I am not the only one. In fact, many of my friends have shared they do the same thing, and then they find themselves doing exactly what I find myself doing: looking back in my life and wishing I could go back and just ENJOY those moments.
My hubby actually was a huge part in helping me to see this in myself. He said it wasn't possible to make and keep me happy. I argued because I am a pretty happy person my nature, but then he pointed out the whole life scenario of my life and I couldn't believe it. So, as I got this book, I started to get really excited when I realized that this was a common problem for many others also. I found comfort in that fact and started reading on how to find joy and be content with wherever my life was.
I will get back to this book later on, but the one chapter that stood out to me was the one that talks about while in the waiting room. That seems to be the very hardest part for me. I feel as though I have faith and I am good at keeping my head up, but my endurance isn't very good. Sometimes the waiting room, whether at a hospital or in our lives, is excruciatingly painful. When we are waiting in the waiting room at a hospital, it is usually just a time of hanging out until we get the news we want or worse, news we don't want. It can be scary and anxious and absolutely no fun at all. The only time I enjoy a waiting room is when I am waiting for the news of a new baby but even then, there is always a little anxiety there too. Let's face it, waiting for anything that we want or even the things we don't want can be almost unbearable, escpecially in a self gratifying and quick gratification kind of world. This means, we want it and we want it now.
So, as I have been focusing and working on this in my life, the time came for the "waiting room" with my heart attack. I knew God was up to something and yet, I was not sure what. I knew he had plans and he was watching out for my best interest, but I was also anxious about WHAT that was. I decided that it was time to wait and wait patiently. There wasn't anything I could do and I was going to wait with anticipation for what GREAT things God had planned for my future. I knew that he was wiser and stronger than all the doctors that seemed baffled, so I just focused on looking to him. That is really the only way I got through the week with my heart episode.
My hubby actually was a huge part in helping me to see this in myself. He said it wasn't possible to make and keep me happy. I argued because I am a pretty happy person my nature, but then he pointed out the whole life scenario of my life and I couldn't believe it. So, as I got this book, I started to get really excited when I realized that this was a common problem for many others also. I found comfort in that fact and started reading on how to find joy and be content with wherever my life was.
I will get back to this book later on, but the one chapter that stood out to me was the one that talks about while in the waiting room. That seems to be the very hardest part for me. I feel as though I have faith and I am good at keeping my head up, but my endurance isn't very good. Sometimes the waiting room, whether at a hospital or in our lives, is excruciatingly painful. When we are waiting in the waiting room at a hospital, it is usually just a time of hanging out until we get the news we want or worse, news we don't want. It can be scary and anxious and absolutely no fun at all. The only time I enjoy a waiting room is when I am waiting for the news of a new baby but even then, there is always a little anxiety there too. Let's face it, waiting for anything that we want or even the things we don't want can be almost unbearable, escpecially in a self gratifying and quick gratification kind of world. This means, we want it and we want it now.
So, as I have been focusing and working on this in my life, the time came for the "waiting room" with my heart attack. I knew God was up to something and yet, I was not sure what. I knew he had plans and he was watching out for my best interest, but I was also anxious about WHAT that was. I decided that it was time to wait and wait patiently. There wasn't anything I could do and I was going to wait with anticipation for what GREAT things God had planned for my future. I knew that he was wiser and stronger than all the doctors that seemed baffled, so I just focused on looking to him. That is really the only way I got through the week with my heart episode.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Diagnosis Myocarditis a False
I woke up numerous times that first night in the hospital, due to the alarms hooked up to me sounding that my heart rate was too low. Whenever I would fall into my deep sleep, my heart rate would drop and then the nurse would have to come in and check on me and then reset the alarm. I was so frustrated and scared, but honestly, mostly annoyed. The night nurse told me, as she was leaving in the morning, that she was surprised I was not rushed for an emergent heart cath. during the night because my heart rate was low and something was not right. However, I made it through the night to be woke up early and wheeled down to the Eco cardiogram room to get pics of my heart. Micah was to wait up in the room for me. They told him it would be about two hours till I got back. He laid in my bed to take a little nappies.
When I got down there, the tech taking my eco cardiogram said my heart's ejection fraction was kind of low and she was alarmed at my heart rate. She scooted out to talk to my doctor, which happened to be the doctor that has been following my brother for years, and then the Dr. came to talk to me. She said she knew who I was and with my brother's history and the looks of what they were seeing with my heart so far, they were not going to put me through the heart stress test, instead they were sending me for a heart cath. Up until this point, they had felt like I had myocarditis which was like a cold of the heart, but now they were acting as though they had suspicion it was something more. I was scared. I hate needles, and procedures and I was so nervous that they were not putting me out for this particular procedure.
They wheeled me up to my room, where Micah was and he got news and rushed to call my mom at work. She decided to leave work and head to the hospital. At this point, the nurse came to get me to take me to the heart cath prep room. I was quietly praying for God to give me strength. I was SCARED. What were they going to find? Micah walked with me and prayed with me for strength and calmness. When we got down to the room, the team that was going to be with me came out and introduced themselves and then they stood there while I silently said goodbye to Micah and though I was not sobbing loudly, the tears that were streaming down my face were tears of fear and the unknown. Then they gave me some drugs to help numb me.
The Doctor came in and started the Cath. I remember them talking about all sorts of random things and then they would check on me to see if I was alright. I remember being so cold and then them telling me that their was some resistance. I was drugged enough to not remember all they said but the doctor told me something about how my hearts LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery was not developed properly. He did show me on the picture, and he explained it like this. Every one's vessels in their hearts are larger and taper off at the end. ..mine was larger and then went extremely thin with no tapering. Kind of like a mechanical blockage. He said it was congenital, meaning I was born with it. There was no explanation why it would act up now when it had gone undiscovered for 29 years so far. However, it was too small to stint or bypass so there was nothing to do for it. Very weird, and once again, no real answers.
I got back up to my room, with weights on my legs. I was not allowed to move my legs for a few hours due to risk of complications or bleeding, because they had gone up through my femoral artery for the cath. This is common procedure, but yet again, I was so paranoid. What if I got antsy, moved a tad, and caused a blood clot to head up to my heart? However, all of this anxiety was making my chest pains more frequent. I was in a mess and I had to try and stay calm. I had lots of support and I knew many were praying but I was a bit upset that this was going on.
A few hours later, my doctor came in to talk to me. She looked at my mom and said, "how many kids do you have?" My mom told her she only had two, my brother and I, and the doctor said, "well, that is good you stopped at two." We all kind of chuckled and then she went on to tell us what she was thinking. She felt I needed to have an MRI on my heart, but this was not something this hospital had the ability to perform, so she was trying to get me transferred to another hospital. I was actually feeling better after they told me this because I was starting to feel in my spirit that something else was wrong and they needed to get to the bottom of it before they sent me home. So, at the end of the first full day in the hospital, we were sure we were heading somewhere in the next few days. Still no answers, but at least they were still searching.
Micah and my mom went and got the kids that night to make sure they could be with their daddy. They were not allowed to come and visit me because of the SWINE flu epidemic. I was so upset and missing them sooo much. Mother and children should never be separated as they are the best medicine for each other. :)
I knew I was scared but I was starting to feel a real peace about what God was asking of me. I started talking to mom and Micah about what I wanted for the kids if I was not to make it through this. I know it sounded dramatic, but I was feeling desperate. I had to make plans. I had to know my kids and hubby and mom were gonna be okay. Most of all, I pleaded with God to continue to hold my hand through this journey and in fact, actually, maybe he could just carry me, rather than walk beside me. He did just that too.
When I got down there, the tech taking my eco cardiogram said my heart's ejection fraction was kind of low and she was alarmed at my heart rate. She scooted out to talk to my doctor, which happened to be the doctor that has been following my brother for years, and then the Dr. came to talk to me. She said she knew who I was and with my brother's history and the looks of what they were seeing with my heart so far, they were not going to put me through the heart stress test, instead they were sending me for a heart cath. Up until this point, they had felt like I had myocarditis which was like a cold of the heart, but now they were acting as though they had suspicion it was something more. I was scared. I hate needles, and procedures and I was so nervous that they were not putting me out for this particular procedure.
They wheeled me up to my room, where Micah was and he got news and rushed to call my mom at work. She decided to leave work and head to the hospital. At this point, the nurse came to get me to take me to the heart cath prep room. I was quietly praying for God to give me strength. I was SCARED. What were they going to find? Micah walked with me and prayed with me for strength and calmness. When we got down to the room, the team that was going to be with me came out and introduced themselves and then they stood there while I silently said goodbye to Micah and though I was not sobbing loudly, the tears that were streaming down my face were tears of fear and the unknown. Then they gave me some drugs to help numb me.
The Doctor came in and started the Cath. I remember them talking about all sorts of random things and then they would check on me to see if I was alright. I remember being so cold and then them telling me that their was some resistance. I was drugged enough to not remember all they said but the doctor told me something about how my hearts LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery was not developed properly. He did show me on the picture, and he explained it like this. Every one's vessels in their hearts are larger and taper off at the end. ..mine was larger and then went extremely thin with no tapering. Kind of like a mechanical blockage. He said it was congenital, meaning I was born with it. There was no explanation why it would act up now when it had gone undiscovered for 29 years so far. However, it was too small to stint or bypass so there was nothing to do for it. Very weird, and once again, no real answers.
I got back up to my room, with weights on my legs. I was not allowed to move my legs for a few hours due to risk of complications or bleeding, because they had gone up through my femoral artery for the cath. This is common procedure, but yet again, I was so paranoid. What if I got antsy, moved a tad, and caused a blood clot to head up to my heart? However, all of this anxiety was making my chest pains more frequent. I was in a mess and I had to try and stay calm. I had lots of support and I knew many were praying but I was a bit upset that this was going on.
A few hours later, my doctor came in to talk to me. She looked at my mom and said, "how many kids do you have?" My mom told her she only had two, my brother and I, and the doctor said, "well, that is good you stopped at two." We all kind of chuckled and then she went on to tell us what she was thinking. She felt I needed to have an MRI on my heart, but this was not something this hospital had the ability to perform, so she was trying to get me transferred to another hospital. I was actually feeling better after they told me this because I was starting to feel in my spirit that something else was wrong and they needed to get to the bottom of it before they sent me home. So, at the end of the first full day in the hospital, we were sure we were heading somewhere in the next few days. Still no answers, but at least they were still searching.
Micah and my mom went and got the kids that night to make sure they could be with their daddy. They were not allowed to come and visit me because of the SWINE flu epidemic. I was so upset and missing them sooo much. Mother and children should never be separated as they are the best medicine for each other. :)
I knew I was scared but I was starting to feel a real peace about what God was asking of me. I started talking to mom and Micah about what I wanted for the kids if I was not to make it through this. I know it sounded dramatic, but I was feeling desperate. I had to make plans. I had to know my kids and hubby and mom were gonna be okay. Most of all, I pleaded with God to continue to hold my hand through this journey and in fact, actually, maybe he could just carry me, rather than walk beside me. He did just that too.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Micah's Perspective
I was napping with the kids while Michelle went to our family physician to get checked out. She called me to say the Dr wanted her at the ER and wanted someone to drive her. The office is 15 minutes from home and I needed to get both kids up and dressed, so I said, "give me 20-25 minutes". She said ok and hung up. About 2 minutes later, she called back. She said the Dr said 20 minutes was too long...get here now.
So now I start to panic a little. I left the kids in their jammies, put them in the back of the car without strapping them in their seats, told them to sit down and took off. I called my father-in-law, informed him of the situation and asked him to meet me at the ER to get the kids, which he agreed to do.
Once all the tests were complete, the Dr's didn't know what to make of her situation, because of her age. Everything pointed to a heart attack, but they didn't want to take anything for granted. It might be something else. They decided to admit her and investigate other options, with the first step being a stress test the next morning.
I called my work and told them what was going on. Fortunately we were slow at the time and everyone told me to take all the time I needed, which was a big blessing. My mom and sister jumped right in and agreed to share the responsibility of our 2 kids for as long as we needed. Another blessing. So work and the kids were taken care of. Check.
The next morning, the cardiologist cancelled the stress test and wanted to go straight for a heart catherization. Michelle's heart rate was too low for a stress test. Ok, now things are escalating.
The heart cath revealed that her LAD artery was too small. The cath did not reveal why, so now we needed a cardiac MRI. This could only be done at John Hopkins or Hershey. We opted for Hershey.
The cardiologist was fairly convinced that it was Myocarditis, an infection in the heart (basically, her heart had a cold and would get better with rest). Myocarditis can cause blood work to look like it does when someone has a heart attack. But she wanted to be sure. So she was transferred by ambulance to Hershey 2 days later (that's as soon as they could see her).
The cardiac MRI at Hershey confirmed heart attack. The MRI revealed a Myocardial Bridge. Basically, her heart muscle, for an unknown reason, grew up and over her LAD artery and has probably been like that since birth. Every time her heart beats, it pinches off the artery. The artery was underdeveloped and even too small for a stint. So really, nothing could be done. We would be discharged home the next day and follow up with a cardiologist to take her case. So we had some answers, but many more that would have to wait to be answered.
At this time, I will admit that the situation hadn't hit me yet. We had been through trials before and God was always faithful to see us through. I thought, ok, I wonder how God is going to work this one out? I really wasn't scared yet. We would later conclude that I went into survival mode. I needed to be strong for my family, and my personality is perfect for this "do what needs done without much feeling" role.
Little did I know that, a month and a half later, God would perform a miracle in me that would change our marriage for the better and help foster Michelle's healing process.
So now I start to panic a little. I left the kids in their jammies, put them in the back of the car without strapping them in their seats, told them to sit down and took off. I called my father-in-law, informed him of the situation and asked him to meet me at the ER to get the kids, which he agreed to do.
Once all the tests were complete, the Dr's didn't know what to make of her situation, because of her age. Everything pointed to a heart attack, but they didn't want to take anything for granted. It might be something else. They decided to admit her and investigate other options, with the first step being a stress test the next morning.
I called my work and told them what was going on. Fortunately we were slow at the time and everyone told me to take all the time I needed, which was a big blessing. My mom and sister jumped right in and agreed to share the responsibility of our 2 kids for as long as we needed. Another blessing. So work and the kids were taken care of. Check.
The next morning, the cardiologist cancelled the stress test and wanted to go straight for a heart catherization. Michelle's heart rate was too low for a stress test. Ok, now things are escalating.
The heart cath revealed that her LAD artery was too small. The cath did not reveal why, so now we needed a cardiac MRI. This could only be done at John Hopkins or Hershey. We opted for Hershey.
The cardiologist was fairly convinced that it was Myocarditis, an infection in the heart (basically, her heart had a cold and would get better with rest). Myocarditis can cause blood work to look like it does when someone has a heart attack. But she wanted to be sure. So she was transferred by ambulance to Hershey 2 days later (that's as soon as they could see her).
The cardiac MRI at Hershey confirmed heart attack. The MRI revealed a Myocardial Bridge. Basically, her heart muscle, for an unknown reason, grew up and over her LAD artery and has probably been like that since birth. Every time her heart beats, it pinches off the artery. The artery was underdeveloped and even too small for a stint. So really, nothing could be done. We would be discharged home the next day and follow up with a cardiologist to take her case. So we had some answers, but many more that would have to wait to be answered.
At this time, I will admit that the situation hadn't hit me yet. We had been through trials before and God was always faithful to see us through. I thought, ok, I wonder how God is going to work this one out? I really wasn't scared yet. We would later conclude that I went into survival mode. I needed to be strong for my family, and my personality is perfect for this "do what needs done without much feeling" role.
Little did I know that, a month and a half later, God would perform a miracle in me that would change our marriage for the better and help foster Michelle's healing process.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Ride Begins
Micah came speeding into the parking lot with both kids in the car. They knew something wasn't right, because they were both being much quieter than they usually were. Ava did ask me if I was OK and I told her yes. Something about the urgency in her little voice scared me. What if I was telling her I was going to be okay and then I wasn't? I couldn't let my mind go there.
As we drove the three miles from the doctors office to the hospital, Micah told me he had called my dad and he was meeting us to get the kids at the ER. He would take them home and then go from there. I was reading over the doctors scribbles on the paper I was to give to the triage doctor and my eyes fell on the word, "bradicardia." I knew this was a term used for slow heart rate, because I had seen this same term on my younger brother's reports a few years earlier. It scared me. Was I about to find out something life altering? I kept thinking I needed to stay calm because I knew enough to know that if it really was heart related, stress and anxiety could worsen my situation.
Micah was very calm, which is true to his nature when I am upset. I couldn't believe we were headed to the ER again. We had just finished saying to each other about a week earlier, "well, lets make this a good year medically, no hospital visits." Little did we know.
Once we arrived at the hospital, my dad was not too far behind us. He took the kids and we signed in. Being the age of 29, we got a lot of raised eye brows when I explained my symptoms. I am not sure if they thought I was just a person seeking attention or what, but they definitely had their own opinions about it. They did put me back in a room and started the blood work and all that is entailed with any heart patient. After waiting the time for the blood work to come back, the ER Doctor came in and started telling us what he thought. He felt that, if I was older, he would def. had diagnosed me with a heart attack. My enzyme levels were elevated which was a red flag pointing at the heart attack diagnosis, but because I was only 29 years old, they were hesitant to be too hasty in diagnosing. They were not too sure what to do, so they finally decided to admit me and do a stress test the following morning.
By this time, I had calmed down. I knew the kids were okay and with Grandparents. I knew I was now safe and under watch so I was not so anxious of something fatal happening. I felt much better that they were looking into it and I was tired. I remember, being ready for bed by the time I got to my room and situated. That ends the first day of a long upcoming week.
As we drove the three miles from the doctors office to the hospital, Micah told me he had called my dad and he was meeting us to get the kids at the ER. He would take them home and then go from there. I was reading over the doctors scribbles on the paper I was to give to the triage doctor and my eyes fell on the word, "bradicardia." I knew this was a term used for slow heart rate, because I had seen this same term on my younger brother's reports a few years earlier. It scared me. Was I about to find out something life altering? I kept thinking I needed to stay calm because I knew enough to know that if it really was heart related, stress and anxiety could worsen my situation.
Micah was very calm, which is true to his nature when I am upset. I couldn't believe we were headed to the ER again. We had just finished saying to each other about a week earlier, "well, lets make this a good year medically, no hospital visits." Little did we know.
Once we arrived at the hospital, my dad was not too far behind us. He took the kids and we signed in. Being the age of 29, we got a lot of raised eye brows when I explained my symptoms. I am not sure if they thought I was just a person seeking attention or what, but they definitely had their own opinions about it. They did put me back in a room and started the blood work and all that is entailed with any heart patient. After waiting the time for the blood work to come back, the ER Doctor came in and started telling us what he thought. He felt that, if I was older, he would def. had diagnosed me with a heart attack. My enzyme levels were elevated which was a red flag pointing at the heart attack diagnosis, but because I was only 29 years old, they were hesitant to be too hasty in diagnosing. They were not too sure what to do, so they finally decided to admit me and do a stress test the following morning.
By this time, I had calmed down. I knew the kids were okay and with Grandparents. I knew I was now safe and under watch so I was not so anxious of something fatal happening. I felt much better that they were looking into it and I was tired. I remember, being ready for bed by the time I got to my room and situated. That ends the first day of a long upcoming week.
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