Back to Process

Back at it again!  I think it has been many years since I sat down to write out any of the matters of my heart.  I have some secret entries on my computer downstairs, as a few years ago I began writing a book and had been working on that rather than my blog.  However, the journey with the book in itself has been difficult as I feel a book should have a happy ending and at this point there is still some loose ends to tie up so not sure how to end the book. :)  Guess that is the HALLMARK heart in me, always desiring that beautiful picture and amazing perfect ending where EVERYONE is happy. Not promised to us, just something I dream of.  

What brings me back to writing?  God told me to write.  A few years ago He told me to write.  He told My husband and I to both start writing.  To share our stories.  The first problem is that often when you share your stories with the world, you feel this need to kind of already have it all together.  We both started books, but not sure how to wrap them up or end them.  Neither of us feel like our books are anything anyone else wants or needs to hear. We keep asking ourselves "why would anyone want to read this mess?"  hahah.  We keep asking God HOW He wants us to go about this and we realized we need to be obedient and start writing so this may be our outlet.  

I do know I NEED an outlet to start getting the things on my heart out there because, God Knows I am dumping without filter on ANYONE who says HI to me lately.  SO I apologize now for anytime you have tried to slightly say something in passing to me and an hour later I am still ranting or talking unfiltered!  :)  I truly need an outlet!  Maybe if I can share some stuff on here I will then not be compelled to pounce on a lady I don't know, in the parking lot of our two sons getting their wisdom teeth out, standing there with drugged up bleeding sons, while we pray and talk and cry together! (sorry Lady, but not sorry, it was a God orchestrated meeting!) 

So this is my entry back in to the blogging world!  I am excited. I will be posting because I am excited about what God is doing in this time with HIS PEOPLE. Are we in hard times?  YES, but we are also in very pivotal times of GOD moving!!!!! I can't wait to talk about these matters of the heart.  GOD is on the move and I love love love to talk about HIM.  So this is my warning, this will be unfiltered and it will be open and honest.  The times are here and we need to be ready!  Excited to process openly!  

Prayer - What is it Intended For?

What do we know of prayer?  The definition of prayer is simply put . . . communication with God.  Because God already knows our hearts, He knows what we are thinking and what we are feeling.  So prayer can be spoken words, written words, thoughts, or even songs.  Usually, when we have a relationship with another person, we have a way of communicating with them.  This keeps us connected in the relationship.  When we stop all communication, we usually wouldn't consider that we have much of a relationship anymore.  Maybe this is how God feels with us.  

I have been doing some reading and I came across some article that talks of how God really wants and desires to commune with us.  The article went on to say that prayer is one way of communing with Him.  Another thing the article hit on was how Prayer is not for us to selfishly pray and plead and beg God to do things our way or to give us what WE want, but it is more a way to honor and glorify God while spending time with Him.

This particular part really convicted me. Like I mentioned before, I am one that grew up being taught that God cared about EVERYTHING in our lives.  I still believe he does and I still pray for the small and big things, but I do think I have def. erred on the side of using prayer as a way for me to MANIPULATE God into working things my way. I usually start out with some praises and things I am grateful for, because we are supposed to come to the Lord with Thanksgiving in our Hearts, so I usually start that way.  However, I always tend to spend more time on the "asking God to do things for me or my family" part. 

So frustrating, but I have to be honest and admit when I am wrong. I guess over the years, I have sat under certain teachers that have spoke about how we can "prophecy our future in a positive way" and though I like the idea, I don't think that is what Prayer was really intended for.  I could be wrong, but who am I to think that if I keep speaking all the positives into my future, that life will turn out just the way I want it to?  I fear I have managed to error on the side of trying to manipulate God, and that isn't good at all.

I have often looked at prayer as a conversation I am having with God, however, when I am talking to a friend, I talk and then I wait and let them talk. I listen to what they have to say about what we are talking about.  However, because God doesn't verbally speak back to me in an audible voice, sometimes, I find my conversations with him are pretty one sided.  I don't always realize it because my mind is constantly in conversations with God, but I realize how very few times I stop to hear what he has to say.  For example, I often stop to listen and I promise Him that I am handing it all over to Him so he can work out a certain situation, and then sometimes within minutes, I think I have it figured out and I get all excited. I start to let my mind run with all the cool things I THINK God is doing and I go back into the one direction communication where I am doing all the talking.  :(

Now, I know that God speaks to us in different ways too. Sometimes through strong thoughts impressed on our hearts, or through his word, even through another spirit filled person speaking Godly wisdom.  Most of all, I believe God speaks to us through is Holy Spirit, and that can happen at any time of the day and even through the night, with dreams or thoughts. 

My Daily Devotions today was on Luke 18:1-8 and this kind of struck me too. . . .because I seem to think that a delay to my prayers being answered is a denial, but I don't think it is. 

Luke 18:1-8

New International Version (NIV)

The Parable of the Persistent Widow

18 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. ² He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. ³ And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

⁴ “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
⁶ And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. ⁷ And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? ⁸ I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

So, even though, above I mentioned that we should not try and manipulate what we want God to do but just pray for His will, we also are to PRAY WITHOUT CEASING, taking it before the high judge.  So confusing since there must be a fine line of praising, asking and just trusting what He has in store.  I guess I gave myself a lot more to work on here.  Need to revamp a few of my usual prayers. :)




Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”


Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.


John 14:13-14 Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it


Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

My Heart's Search on Prayer - Part 1

I have been struggling a lot lately with "prayer" and how it works. I was raised to believe that prayer is the most powerful tool we have in our tool bag and that it should not be a last resort, but instead it should be the first thing we grab when facing any trial in life.  I grew up praying for even little things, like a good hair day, or that a friend I liked would sit beside me so I wouldn't be sad in school.  As a little girl, I prayed for ALL the trivial things that were significant in my little girl mind, because I believed God loved me and cared even about the smallest details. I didn't always get the answers I wanted even as a little girl, but for some reason I never questioned the prayer thing, I just literally believed and kept on praying.  I guess that is where the "child like faith" comes in.  :)
 
As I got older, I had some heartaches, the typical dating hurts, and friendship hurts, and losing a pet I loved hurts.  I relied a lot on prayer in my high school years, praying for very specific things like, my future husband and my future children, and that I would GRADUATE.  I prayed a lot about who I dated and about the friends I hung out with. I would always tell God what I wanted and how I thought things should go, but then I would always end with telling Him that ultimately I wanted His will in my life and His perfect plan.  I knew He knew what I needed more than I did.  So even when I felt that what I wanted had to be what was best for me, My mom taught me that the only way to be happy in life is to be in God's perfect will for your life.  That has kind of always been a prayer of mine also.
 
Sure enough, he gave me my soul mate, Micah.  The story was a little rocky and there were times I did question God along the way, but I kept coming back to trusting in His plan for my life.  Now, here I am married to my best friend and loving it!!! 
 
Another thing I prayed for my whole life, was for my children.  I currently have 2 wonderful children that make me smile every day.  They didn't come easy though.  Things were tough and there were lots of times (still are) I question God "why this way?".  I am not doubting who He is and I am not angry at him by any means, but I just don't always get the reasons behind all of His Plans.  Again, when things didn't go as I had planned with my daughter Ava or my son Christian, I continued to remind myself that God ultimately knew what was best and He was the one I trust.  Don't get me wrong, I am not disappointed at all in my life or my hubby or my children, but there are SPECIFIC things I have prayed for in my children and it seems the opposite happens.  Things I literally prayed against, hoping to prevent them from the struggles I have had and yet, it seems more prominent in them than it was in my own life.  I will go into more details later on.

I read books about praying for my unborn children, while they were in the womb.  I read books about praying and believing positive things into my.  I read articles and books on how to pray for your spouse and your family. I read about praying to break generational curses and was taught tons on how to pray for healing in areas of our lives.  I have prayed with the faith of a mustard seed for a dear friend's healing from a horrible disease.  I have prayed for couples that I know that God would restore their marriage.  I have prayed for miracles straight from Bible time.  Sometimes, often times, I did see some of the prayers answered, but usually not to the degree I was EXPECTING, or to the way I thought would be best.  This brought the question to my mind and I have been fighting this question for a few years.  What is Prayer?  How are we to use Prayer? 
 
I think that is where I am now.  I have studied prayer over the past few years, and really tried to figure out how to use this awesome tool God gives us that we can communicate with HIM.  Wow, what a privilege when you think of it, we can talk to our creator.  Pretty awesome.  However, I think my questioned area is . . . what is prayer really for?  Do our prayers really ever have any sway with God?  I don't even know if sway is the right term but I guess I mean, if we pray diligently for someone who is heartbroken, and the Bible says God is near to the brokenhearted, then do our prayers really help or is God planning to be near to them regardless of our prayers?  Is HE there for them more if we are praying?  Does He give them extra peace or more comfort because we carry this heartbroken person to His feet in prayer, or is He going to comfort them the same either way?  Is He going to comfort someone more because I pray and ask him to comfort them.  If our child is sick and we pray for them to get better, but God already knew they were not going to get better, than was it a waste to have prayed?  The Bible says He hears our prayers.  I do believe he does, but how does He choose when to answer them?  Or maybe the question should be, how does He choose when to say yes or no to our prayers?

So, over the next few weeks, I am planning to do my own study of my heart on what prayer is to me and what I believe.  Hopefully through this, God can reveal to my heart what he wants me to see and He can restore my broken spirit to be renewed and whole again.  I do believe the BIBLE and everything in it, so I know Prayer is real and I want to know what God intended it for and how he intended us to use it.

Till We Meet Again - Love you Jess

On November 14, 2011, my life changed forever.  A huge hole, that I never imagined would come to my life, came.  One of my dearest friends went to be with our Saviour.  I got the call Monday morning and I can't really remember much of the week's events after I got the call.  I know many of the questions that followed were painful and raw.

The call was vague and gave no details other than the horrifying truth.  I had lost a friend and didn't get to say goodbye. This particular friend was one that I talked with on a regular basis, a daily basis.  We worked through hard times and laughed through good times.  She used to tell me I was the friend she called when she needed someone to say all the nice things, even if they weren't always true.  I told her I was honest, but just did it in a nice way. We would joke around that we were Xanax for each other, when we had reached our limit for Xanax that day.  :)

I got the call from Micah, and again, I remember little from that point on.  I remember I was holding Jameson as a baby in my arms and when Micah told me the Jess was gone, I remember hearing myself screaming loudly over and over as I ran back and put Jameson in his crib.  The Shock was overwhelming to say the least and the phone calls started coming in asking if we had heard.  A good friend took Christian for us and we headed directly over to the house. 

Jess had battled bipolar for many years and she had put up one heck of a fight but the battle was so intense and in the end it won her over.  She had suffered so much and finally couldn't battle it anymore.  The sorrow and grief that followed in those next few months and years are too much to mention but God was there the whole time guiding everyone for sure.  

Jess had wanted nothing more in life than to be a wife, mother and friend the way God intended her to be.  She was able to have a son and she was a fantastic mom to him and fantastic wife to her hubby.  She had gotten pregnant and then miscarried and that grief was alot of what had overtaken her in the end.  She missed her baby.  

I know where she is and I know she is safe and sound.  My niece shared with me a dream she had after Jess died.  My niece was in Heaven and Jess was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking her baby she had miscarried while here on earth.  She was rocking her baby and smiling.  My niece asked her if she was at peace and Jess shook her head yes while she rocked her baby, smiling sweetly.  That image is what I hold onto in my head when I think of sweet Jess.  When I see her family left behind here on earth still missing her so much, I am reminded that Jess is finally at peace.  After many years of fighting that utter inner turmoil, she is at peace.  Thank you Lord for that.  Thank you for bringing Jess home to you and healing her mind there in Heaven.  

Prayer in the Desert

I have been having a bad week this week, sad about things passed and things to come and things with unknown outcomes.  I feel as though I am very tired, weary and in need of some reason to get up out of bed some days.  The burdens of everyone elses pain seems to be weighing so heavily on me and then of course the pain I carry of my own.
I say all this to say, Thursday night, after a pretty emotional day, I headed to band practice for our church praise band.  I loved the songs that were chosen for us to sing this upcoming Sunday, but the one that hit me  the hardest was the song by Hillsong, - Desert.  The lyrics grabbed me and picked me right up off the ground.  Songs tend to minister to my heart when I am down anyway, but this one was like a breath of fresh air. 

The Desert Song Lyrics

Verse 1:

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides



Verse 2:

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames



Chorus:

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain


I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here



Verse 3:

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand



Bridge:

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship



Verse 4:

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've received I will sow


I guess the song is just a reminder to me of what I need to feel in my heart. . .no matter WHAT circumstances are in my life, no matter what BATTLE  I am going through, I have the God of all God's on my side and He is the one that will carry me through.  The truth is that God is still God, no matter what season of life we are in.  Change is hard and along with Seasons of life come so much change, but if God is still God and still in charge, then what do I have to fear? Right?  God gives me a reason to sing and a reason to worship. . . even when circumstances don't seem joyful or worthy of even a smile.
 I especially like the last verse, where it talks about how we know we are filled to be emptied again, and how we are responsible to sow the seeds God gives us. I feel as though I keep trying to get filled and then I want to rest and never get empty again, because that is just easier.  So here is my new heart's desire.  I want God to fill me with HIM so I can sow the seeds in others, be emptied again, and come back to be filled by Him and only HIM.

Deuteronomy 28: 1-14

Praying for my children is a hard one because I am not sure what to pray. Sometimes I feel so very overwhelmed because I feel there is so much I need / should be praying and I feel as though I am going to MISS something and mess them up for life.  I had a friend share this with me and I have started to speak this over my children often when they are leaving the house to go somewhere or even while they are sleeping.  I  thought I would share this with all of you too. :)

Deuteronomy 28: 1-14


If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high upon all the nations on earth.

All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God.

You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country

The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock – the calves of your herds and lambs of your flocks.

Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction, but flee from you in seven.

The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving to you.

The Lord will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the Lord your God, and walk in his ways.

Then all the peoples on the earth will see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they will fear you.

The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity – in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground – in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

The Lord will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.

The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top and never at the bottom.

Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

Dreams Die - God's Purpose Never Dies

I was recently invited to a conference for women with Lynette Lewis.  She is a young lady that is on fire for God, very fashion savy and just a blast to hang out with.  She touched on how we all have DREAMS in our hearts.  Weather they are short term or long term, they are dreams and who would be be if we didn't dream of something, or anticipate something in our lives to come.  Lets face it, we are honest with ourselves, we all have dreams that we take before God.  We entertain things in our minds that we hope or dream that God will bless us with.  It may be a spouse or a house or children.  It may be a dream to become a certain someone someday like a speaker or a teacher or an author.  Some of us dream of a nice car or a dream job and some of us dream of making it big with singing, dancing, or photography.  Some dream of living in other places of the world or traveling lots.  There are so many types of dreams and we all have them.  Some are larger than others and some are simple.  Some dreams have a tendency to consume us and some are just a slight distant dream that we think "maybe someday".  In any case, I think it is good to dream. It is good to keep our sites on something bigger, to anticipate with excitement about what is to come.  This is what I believe our dreams are placed in our lives for, to give us HOPE.

The hardest part is that sometimes, our dreams just don't come true.  Chalk it up to the fact that our world isn't perfect, or to the fact that some dreams take money and most dreams take energy and time.  It is sad to think that sometimes we leave this life with unfulfilled dreams and desires.  When that happens, or should we have known it was going to happen, we would have a hard time facing that and better yet, accepting it.   Sometimes God says no, and to this day, I don't understand why.  I was reading a devotional that said, "David heard the Lord's "no" and quietly accepted it without resentment. That's awfully hard to do. But we find in David's final recorded words a life-sized portrait of a man after God's own heart."  This statement grabbed me right out of my seat. 

Let me focus on this for a second.  David was considered a man after God's own heart.  He messed up and sinned just like me, but yet the Bible says he was a man after God's own heart.  I think the part that struck me so was how he quietly accepted it WITHOUT resentment.  Um, yeah, I am not so good at this.  I hear God say no, and I am like a kid trying to find another angle.  "well, what if I do this God, then will the answer be yes?"  or "okay, God, I am a really good person and what I am asking for is from the desires of my heart, the ones You gave me, so why can't it be yes?  I don't understand.  What if I go to church and treat everyone really nice, then can I have this thing I desire?"  I find myself doing this in the depths of my heart, pleading with God.  Trying to make sense of it all.  I look around and don't understand why God blessed someone else with something that I wanted so badly.  Does it make sense?  Is it fair?  Why them and not me? 


"After four decades of service to Israel, King David, old and perhaps stooped by the years, looked for the last time into the faces of his trusted followers. Many of them represented distinct memories in the old man's mind. Those who would carry on his legacy surrounded him, waiting to receive his last words of wisdom and instruction. What would the seventy-year-old king say?"


The devotional goes on to mention that he literally revealed his deepest desires and dreams of his heart.  The Bible reference is (1 Chronicles 28:2).  This was his biggest dream to build a temple to the Lord and he was going to die with his dreams unfulfilled in his lifetime. 

Dreams are the hardest thing to let go of.  Dreams die hard as said by the devotional.  We can choose to do as David and focus on what blessings God has given us and what he has allowed us to do in our lifetime.  For me, I am blessed to have the dreams of my childhood fulfilled. I have other dreams that I anticipate but I am choosing to be content in whatever my God has given me. This is a daily battle for me sometimes and yet, there are days it seems to be getting easier to do. 
"But in his parting words, David chose to focus on what God had allowed him to do—to reign as king over Israel, to establish his son Solomon over the kingdom, and to pass the dream on to him (28:4–8). Then, in a beautiful prayer, an extemporaneous expression of worship to the Lord God, David praised the greatness of God, thanking Him for His many blessings, and then interceded for the people of Israel and for their new king, Solomon. Take some extra time to read David's prayer slowly and thoughtfully. It's found in 1 Chronicles 29:10–19"

I want to do this. I want to follow this prayer of David's heart.  He chose to praise God with a GRATEFUL HEART.  Not only did he chose to look forward and keep exalting our living GOD, but he did it with a grateful heart, even knowing some of his hugest dreams and desires of his heart never would be fulfilled in his lifetime.  His dreams were not selfish, or even wrong, but they were just not in God's plans for his life.  SO my question is how did he manage to not wallow in sadness of his unfulfilled dreams?
"Blessed are You, O LORD God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O LORD, and You exalt Yourself as head over all. Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone." (29:10–12)

Then as I read further this morning, Something else jumped out at me as to David's attitude.  He never once saw what God gave him through is life as really his own stuff.  He saw the people under him (his kingdom) as God's.  He saw the money and the throne and the lavish material possessions as GOD's.  He seemed to always keep that mindset, which didn't allow for him to have an unhealthy love for money and material things.  He was not a greedy man.  Can I say that of myself?  Can I really look at all God has given me and see it as his.  What a challenge!!! I know my husband and kids are his but I still fear them getting hurt or losing them.  What if I had the mindset that they really were HIS and when He decided it was time, it was?  How do I get that sort of attitude about all in my life?

Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song that Micah and I sing alot and we love what it means.  We even have made up our own word to fit the songs and we sing it when we are scared of what is coming in life, to remind us that it is all HIS.  The songs lyrics are:

I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry

Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours

Oh, yes it is
I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find

And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything
It's all Yours

And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize

That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything

It's all Yours, God  (Ava's Yours God)
It's all Yours, God  (Micah's Yours God)
It's all Yours, God  (Christian is yours God)
It's all Yours, God  (My life is your God)

The glory is Yours, God
All the honor is Yours, God
The power is Yours, God
The glory is Yours, God
You're the King of Kings
And Lord of Lords
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God

Everything is Yours

From the stars in the sky (From the House that we live)

To the depths of the ocean floor (to the Health of our families)

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God

Everything is Yours

All the greatness and power, the glory and splendor and majesty

Everything is Yours

Yeah, it's all Yours

We are Yours

The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours



It's all Yours, God

My life is Yours, my heart is Yours

My hands and my feet are Yours

Every song that I sing

It's all Yours, all is Yours

All belongs to You

Our gifts are Yours, God

All our dreams are Yours, God

All our plans are Yours, God

The whole earth is Yours, God

Everything is Yours


So my point is if we can be 100% confidant that God, our LIVING GOD is truly in control of EVERYTHING we own and and want to own.  EVERYTHING we love and hope to love.  EVERYTHING we dream of and hope for. . then what do we have to fear.  HE is in control of it all.  IT is all HIS!!!  And if we are serving Him and we are loving Him, then what do we have to lose.  We are going to be blessed and victorious and we serve the ONE and TRUE LIVING GOD!!!!  God's plans and dreams for our lives are so much better than anything we can do on our own.  If we can remember to hold all of our possessions and dreams loosely and trust them all to God, we will win in the end.  RIGHT? Maybe this very mentality will remind me and help me to cope with the answer "no" when I get it.

I leave you with this final closing statement taken from the devotional I read this morning. . . .
Though some dreams remain unfulfilled, a man or woman of God can respond to His "no" with praise, thanksgiving, and intercession . . . because when a dream dies, nothing of God's purposes die.



My devotional that I based this blog off of was the following website:  http://www.insight.org/library/articles/bible-characters/when-god-says-no-pray.html

Surviving Life's Trials

I think there are many times in my life that I have felt that "I don't deserve the bad things that are happening in my life." or That "I deserve better than this."  That mentality makes me very discontented because you see, the truth of the matter is I don't deserve to go to Heaven, but yet because I accepted Jesus into my heart to save me, I AM going to Heaven.  What I DO deserve is to live a life of damnation in the pit of Hell because I am a sinner.  I sin without knowing it even.  I sin by the thoughts I have about others when I am judging them ( I justify this to myself by saying I am just speaking the truth, but really it is SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS and wrongful JUDGING), or the way I talk about someone or something that is not maybe quite edifying to their character. (This is GOSSIP but I justify it as just letting someone know I have a prayer request, so I look all Holy or something.)  I sin when I fib to make myself look better.  (I justify this as I am just stretching the truth a little, not telling LIES.)  Oh, yeah, another one that is huge for me is having DISCONTENT in my current circumstances and COVETING what others have.  There are so many more I could mention and so many more things I do wrong, but my point is, no matter how hard I try , to become the reformed GOOD CHRISTIAN, I still mess up on a daily, often minutely basis.  I am a SINNER, and only by the grace of God am I even allowed to some day set foot through those pearly gates.  As for now, in this world, I need to remember that I am not exempt from hardships and trials and I have to just fight the battle with my armor of God on. 

I came across a teaching a few months back taken from Walk in the Word - What if I Refuse this Trial?  (Job 23:10)  For some reason, when something doesn't go as planned for me in my life, I get all anxious and want to know the end result NOW.  I will say patience is a virtue that I do NOT have within my possession.
 
Some of the things that I outlined while listening to this particular sermon series  I will hit on below.  Hopefully this will benefit someone out there the way it helped me.  Hopefully reading and writing this blog entry will once again remind me why things are not always easy and yet we have to stay the course and keep our eye on the goal. . . HEAVEN!!!

I. What if I refuse this trial? (Hebrews 12) I always think this, when things get hard, I want to run away and refuse the trial.  Like Jonah ran from God and then God found him, so has God done that for me to. I have learned it is scarier to run from a trial if it is God Ordained than to hang out in a life of luxury that is not in God's will and plan for my life.  With God, I can do anything


           a. God allows a painful circumstance to come into my life so he can turn me into Gold  This one struck me a little bit hard.  I always blamed Satan for all the trials in my life and all the hardships, but what if God really does allow us to go through painful circumstances for the soul purpose of turning us into Gold?  For me, a new concept. I used to pray the trials out of my life, or at least try to.  What if I should welcome them to a certain extent, trusting I will be stronger for them?

           b. Embrace that God is the source of this trial, he has chosen it for you
                          i. He is not abandoning us, he is moving into our lives
                          ii. God allowed it to come into our lives
                          iii. He knows the way that I take and when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

           c. Trials are like God’s discipline us as his children.  Wow, this one hit me.  I often give my children a command and they chose to disobey or just do it their way.  I know the end result may be painful but I can also see the lesson they will learn from it, where as if I just always made choices for them, they would never really grow and learn.  They may never be the confidant and successful person that I desire for them to be, so sometimes, as a parent, I have to step back and allow them to hurt and harder yet, I have to discipline them. I know in the end it will make them stronger and they will grow.
                          i. We get the blessing if we are trained by it
                          ii. I do believe God cries with us when we hurt, but he may not actually be crying over what really is happening because he sees the big picture and realizes that we are going to benefit in the long run.  We will be blessed for accepting the discipline and instead of getting angry at the source of discipline, we just might anticipate the end result, trusting that GOD always has our best interest in mind and loves us.
           d. Trials can lead to discouragement – so lift your drooping hands & straighten your weak knees
                          i. What if we are in denial
                                   1. I have been in denial alot in my life when a trial hits. I think, "well, God loves me and I am a GOOD CHRISTIAN so He is not gonna let anything bad happen to me, RIGHT?"  WRONG.  sometimes it happens to be the exact opposite.  First of all, I need to get rid of feeling as though I am entitled to a good life and feeling as though GOD owes me anything.  It just isn't true. And as for the whole GOOD CHRISTIAN thing, well, that is Self Righteousness, once again and I need to recognize and get rid of those thoughts right away.
                          ii. What if we are into finger pointing
                          iii. What if we are into blame shifting
                                    1. There is a problem but it is not because of me, it is because of others around me.

           e. Discouragement leads to dislocation.

                          i. The angle creates the injury – the pressure is still on
                                     1. Submit to God when under pressure and he will help you to stand under the pressure.  I struggle with submitting to God's Will for my life sometimes, because the desires I have for my own life are such deep and strong desires. 
                                                      a. If you try and get out from under the pressure, combined with the angle of the pressure and you are trying to get out, you will be dislocated. Dislocation is very serious – God wants to heal the limp
                                     1. If you resist the trial, or pressure – it lasts much longer. This is true in a lot of ways. I have found for me, that the very things I hate, I continue to be put back into similar situations with the same result.  At one point in my life, as I was throwing a "spiritual tantrum" and yelling at God for always allowing these HORRIBLE things to happen in my life, my mom looked at me and kindly stated, "Michelle, maybe if you would strop throwing a tantrum and figure out and learn what it is God is trying to teach you, then maybe you wouldn't keep ending up back in this same situation."  Wisely said mama.  I think it was at that point that I submitted to the trial in my life at that time and God used it to change my life.  He is faithful in that way too.  I do believe though that He kept allowing me to be placed in the same situation in different ways, until I submitted to what he had to teach me.

             f. Strive for holiness
                          i. Most people don’t know what holiness is
                                          1. If we had a little bit of it, we would understand it.  It is putting behind us all the ways of the world and you get into the soul satisfying saturating presence of God in your life.
                                          2. Without holiness we will never see the Lord
                                                             ii. When you get more holiness, you want more holiness.  When you get a taste of what it is, you can't stop at just a little bit. God is going for more holiness in us when he uses trials.  This is something I needed reminded of again.

              g. Dislocation leads to bitterness
                          i. Get the trial and still refuse to embrace or accept it. I do this often.  I am currently doing this now. I am told or made aware of a trial I am facing and then I want to run away and just get mad. I don't want to face it.  I want to refuse and not embrace it.  I don't want to be TRAINED by it which in turn means I won't obtain the Grace Of God through it.
                          i. I need to Help others not to fail to obtain the Grace of God
                                        1. Fallen short of the Grace of God. Instead of submitting to the trial, you resist and rebel then refusing the trial.
                                        2. Now you are failing to obtain the Grace of God, whether it be by white knuckling it or just choosing to not walk with God.  Maybe this entails not searching for HIM in every situation or for his wisdom and knowledge.  Here is one I am really guilty of most often, NOT digging in His word to get his take on things.  He gave me the Bible as a guide through his life and I forget to get it out. I should use My Bible as often as I use the GPS.  HMMM.
                                        3. Just hanging on to get through.  Wow this one is huge.  How often do I chose to just hang on waiting for the terrible RIDE to get over, only to find out that I learned nothing and it was just extremely draining.  I am always hanging on by the end of the rope or something, instead of diving into the trial to learn what I need to learn sooner, so I can get through the trying times.
                                          4. another way to help others is by encouraging them and not allowing their trial to lead them to discouragement.  I have a hard time with this for myself, let alone helping others, but it is what we are to do as friends and fellow believers.
                        ii. Bitterness (this is a biggie)
                                          1. I hear what word of God says, but I feel I will be safe though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart. Yup, I have said this over some trials in my life. I hate the pain and yet I continue to follow my own stubborn ways.  Makes the process a lot harder.  Like when  you were a kid and going to get smacked and your parents tell you not to put your hands back there.  You do anyway, cause you are trying to SAVE your butt and then SMACK, now your hands and butt are both hurt.  Hard lesson to learn but stubbornness is not worth the consequences. Another big one is "Don’t ask me to find a placed of joy about this, I will Never get over this."  Yeah, this one speaks directly to me also.
                                          2. I won’t let God change me.
                                          3. Root of bitterness -
                                                      a. Clouds and distorts the way you see everything

                                                      b. Roots don’t stay roots for long – they spring up and turn into a tree.  Once they are big trees they are so much harder to get rid of. . .you need alot more maintenance too.


I know this is long but I am wrapping it up. . . .so our attitude is huge when we are facing trials that are placed in our lives.  Do we embrace them and allow them to change us and turn us into a shiny piece of Gold for God? or do we allow bitterness and hatred and our attitudes toward our trial take over and cause us more trouble down the road? I know as for me, I don't want to refuse the trials God has given me or placed in my life. I want to grow through them and learn from them so I can come out on the other side victorious. Anyone with me on this?

Overcome by the Spirit of Thankfulness

The definition of THANKFUL

1: conscious of benefit received
2: expressive of thanks
3: well pleased : glad


That describes the awesome feeling Micah and I have been having for a few weeks but finally spoke of it to each other two days ago. Let me start a little bit earlier in our story:

So, things have been like a roller coaster since we got married, started having children and made a life for ourselves. Like everyone reading this entry, we had our UPS and DOWNS, our MOUNTAINS and VALLEYS. There were times when we were on top of the world and times we were struggling to our heads above the raging waters. Luckily, God blessed us with very supportive parents on both sides and very supportive family so we could get to the other side.

I am not going to go into the details in this entry, of all the ups and downs, but I am going to say what happened this week. I was feeling it and Micah expressed it in words. We looked at each other in wonder for this is a GREAT place to be. Praise GOD!! He said to me, "I am just overwhelmed by a spirit of thankfulness and gratefulness for all God has given us and done for us." I was feeling the very thing he had just put into words. So here we are and I am going to give a few reasons why we are thankful:


Our Reasons for Giving Thanks:

1. Two very healthy and loving children that we enjoy every moment with and we often look at each other and wonder what we did that made us worthy of raising these two special children in God's eyes.

2. A wonderful Home that we love the location and everything about it. It felt like home the first day we stepped foot in it and at this point it seems like we may never leave it.

3. A marriage that God has revived and showered with his blessings and we are completely in awww of this one. But we consider it the greatest blessing/miracle and embrace it.

4. That he spared my life and gave us the opportunity to have more time on this earth as a family before he calls us home to him in Heaven

5. For sparing little man when he was burnt with coffee and though it looked bleak for him, God intervened and miraculously healed his whole body, leaving only a small scar in a very inconspicuous place to remind us of his miraculous power in our lives.

6. For the PROVISION over the four months that Micah was out of work. We were able to keep our house, vehicles and still eat. :) It ended up being something, that though Satan meant for it to be a curse, God used it to bless us. HE gave us time together as a family and we enjoyed and took advantage of every day. He provided things for us in so many ways and the verse that talks about how we shouldn't worry about what we will wear or eat, or where we will live, yup, he took care of it all. It seemed more like a huge long vacation than anything bad.

7. For family and friends that love us and support us and for the memories we have made and will continue to make through the years.


There is so many more things that are overflowing in my heart right now, but I can't go into all of them. Partly because this would be an extremely long post and mostly because my kids are in the living room shouting, "mom, please get off the computer!" so I must abide. :)


However, I do want to say that times are not always peaches and cream. We all have had and still have Ups / Downs, and Mountains / Valleys, and just times when things are not looking good. I guess my challenge for myself and for anyone reading this is keep your eyes on HIM. He really does have a plan and it is so much bigger and so much greater than anything we could ever imagine. :) Satan will spend his time here trying to pull us down and KEEP us there but if we keep our focus on the things of GOD, we will prevail. :)

I leave you with this last word:
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

1 Chronicles 16:8
Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.

I challenge you to take these verses to heart today and make a list in your mind or on paper, of all God has blessed you with. You may be surprised how many blessings you can actually come up with. :)

God's Provision in Hard Times

My name is Micah Bumbaugh and I am 32 years old. My wife, Michelle (30) and our 2 kids, Ava (5) and Christian (4) live in south-central PA. We’ve been married for 9 years. We listen to your radio show on WCRH 90.5 out of Williamsport, MD. Recently, you asked for anyone to write and tell you about how God has helped you through the current economy. Well, we have such a story. God has been so good, it will be hard to find a concise way to tell it. I’ll try to just hit the highlights.



I lost my job on January 6, 2011. I’m a physical therapist assistant and work mainly in nursing homes. Due to recent changes in Medicare reimbursement for therapy, I have found it difficult to find a new job. I was able to find anywhere from 8-15 hours a week, but nothing consistent. I’m also drawing partial unemployment.

Around the middle of January (about 2 weeks after losing my job), I felt the Lord asking us to give 20%, instead of our usual 10%. We’ve always been faithful tithers and God has come through for us, financially, countless times in our marriage. So this wasn’t such a foreign idea, but I just wasn’t sure how to feel about it. I know we can’t outgive God, but I was still uneasy about it. Well about 2 days later, Michelle came to me and said that she also felt the Lord had spoken to her about the exact same thing!! So it was confirmed that that was what we were to do. So we gave 20% for the month of January.
About 2 weeks later, I went to get our taxes done. And our return was considerably larger than normal years. God literally gave the extra 10% right back and then some!! And during this time, we’ve not fallen behind on any payments and even still have a small surplus for emergency expenses. Only God could do this.
I have really enjoyed these last few months with my family. And to be completely honest, we’ve not really been stressed at all. We’ve spent a lot of time together and my kids do not want me to return to work!! We’ve had several people tell us “we can’t believe how calm you are about this whole thing”. We’ve taken that as a huge compliment. When you trust “do not worry about what you will eat or drink, where you will sleep, what you will wear”, you can live in peace no matter what the situation. So we have chosen to enjoy this time. Ava starts kindergarten in the fall, so we can’t think of a better time for this to happen to us. They are only this little once. So I’m trying to cherish every moment. But without God’s peace, I couldn’t do that. And I’m so blessed to have a wife who is on board with this peace as well. Her not being stressed has been a huge encouragement to me.
At the beginning of May I received a call for a 13 week traveling assignment, beginning May 31, ending Sept 2. The commute is about an hour and 10 mins each way, but the pay is really good. At least I’ll have full time work for the summer. I don’t know what Sept 3 holds, but God does. So He’ll take us across that bridge then.
Now I want to back up a little. Because the story above is a culmination of literally years of God proving Himself to us. Without this history, we could not have enjoyed my time off. So I’d like to share with you my personal money testimony.
Throughout my teen years and into my mid 20s, I struggled mightily with the love of money and it caused me to get angry a lot with Michelle and cause strife in our marriage (mainly due to our different spending habits). About 2 years into our marriage, the Lord broke me of the love of money.
At the time, my mother-in-law was part of a prayer ministry that served to pray for people for physical and emotional healings. They met every Thursday evening. I was diagnosed with Scoriatic arthritis when I was 14 and had lived since then in a good bit of daily pain. So they were going to pray for my physical healing.
The week before they prayed for me, my wife went to the Thursday evening meeting with her mom (without me). Prior to this particular evening, my mother-in-law spoke to one of her prayer partners, Jim, and told him that I wanted to get prayer for physical healing from arthritis (she didn’t tell him anything else about me). She asked him to begin praying to see if God would direct him with any discernment for me. At the end of the evening, Jim came over to my wife and gave her a pamphlet. He told her that there was something in this pamphlet that the Lord wanted me to hear. And if I didn’t get control of this area of my life, he felt God said 2 things would happen: 1) I would be in more physical pain than I could stand, and 2) God said He would lift His hand of protection over me.
So she came home and gave it to me. I opened the pamphlet and the first word was “money”. The entire pamphlet was about the love of money. Only God could have told Jim this about me. Michelle and I prayed together on the spot and asked God to free me from this burden. And this was one time when God said an outright yes to one of my prayers. It was a process to let it go completely, but there was a significant amount of immediate freedom.
We had Ava about 2 years later. Michelle’s life-long dream was to be a homemaker and mother. So she quit work when she was 8 months pregnant and has never returned to work. It doesn’t make (worldly) sense to cut your income in half and have your expenses go up. But God is bigger than the world. I can’t tell you how many times He has intervened in our finances. God put me in positions at work where there were places for advancement and I was promoted into a management position. Within a few years, I was making almost as much as we were with 2 incomes!! Only God could have done that. And it wasn’t always easy, but we always had peace. There were months when we only had a few dollars to our name, but all our bills were paid and we had a place to live and food to eat and most importantly, each other.
At this point, we’re continuing to take it one day at a time. We have peace that no matter what comes our way, God already has it taken care of.

Home Safe and Sound?

Life took awhile to really settle back down.  We joked around a lot but mostly in denial of what had happened.  It took a bit to get a routine started again and luckily we had lots of family and friends to support us and rally around us.  Many came to our rescue from cleaning my house to helping me watch the kids.  IT was hard sitting while allowing someone else to clean and do all the dirty work, but I had forceful and loving family and friends who stood beside us all the way.

I was on a no driving or lifting restriction and this was hard for the kids to understand. They couldn't comprehend why mommy had left in the first place and then it was hard for them to comprehend me not being able to carry them or even to lift them on my lap. They quickly learned to climb on my lap on their own, but it was still an adjustment. I was also VERY TIRED.  I would catch myself looking forward to, even dreaming about, that night when it was time to go to bed.  Often I was in bed and sleeping by 8:00 p.m.  This was new to me too since I used to never get to bed before midnight or even 1:00 the next morning. 

Like I said, Lots of adjustments.  Things were different and one of these differences was I had NO EMOTION about anything. I was tired and just sort of out of touch with life. I felt very disconnected with people and even my husband and kids.  I was depressed which was a very common thing after a heart attack but also very strange to feel so out of touch with others.  I would go out to with friends and sit there and smile, but I was so so lonely and empty inside.  That was a long going feeling that lasted for a few months.  My doctor did up my prozac but it only seemed to make me less depressed but not more connected.  This was a very hard time in my life.  Challenging and yet I found myself wishing I had died so I could be done with all of this and in Heaven. I was scared to death that I was going to have another heart attack and I was scared I wouldn't have one too.  It was the strangest time in my life.  I thought things like my kids would be better off without me and my husband would too.  Stupid thoughts, but it really is how I felt.

During this dark time of my life, I felt bad that I wasn't praising God I was alive.  I should be right?  People all around me were telling me how grateful they were that God chose to spare me, but why wasn't I grateful?  I just had NO EMOTION, once again.  The next few weeks, even months proved to be long and hard but the end result is better and more blessed than I could ever have imagined. I will get to that later.

So, now I am home and safe. . . or as safe as they could guarantee a 29 year old that had just had a heart attack.  Now started the journey of my new and blessed life that was to follow my long exhausting recovery.

Final Diagnosis

Getting the results back from the MRI of my heart seemed to take forever.  However, I was not worried of the outcome.  I knew that it was probably a heart attack, even though the doctors at this point still all wanted to believe it wasn't.  I can't even tell you how many times in that whole week, I heard one person after another shake their head and comment on how it looked like a heart attack, but I was just too young for them to believe it. 
So, when the doctor and his team of students following him, finally came in to talk, they informed me that I had in fact had a heart attack.  They found a congenital heart defect (meaning from birth) that had gone undetected all these years.  The defect was that I had a myocardial bridge, which is layman's terms is a a place where the heart muscle grew over top one of the arteries, causing that particular artery and part of heart to be getting less blood flow.  In turn, this kept the bottom part of my heart from developing to it's full potential.  Usually the arteries and vessels run over top the heart muscle.  The problem with it running under the heart muscle is that every time my heart beats, the vessel is squeezed shut, and blocks off blood flow.  When they showed me what they found on the MRI, they showed me that the narrowing of the Left Anterior Descending Artery was in fact due to the heart muscle myocardial bridge.  My heart attack was a mild one, compared to what it could have been. 
After hearing what they had to say, they left us to believe it was because of the narrowing and the myocardial bridge, that my heart attack happened.  You see, if your heart beats 40 - 50 beats a minute, then that arteries blood supply at the narrowing only gets shut off 40 - 50 times, but when I am active or exercising and my heart rate goes up to 100, then that means the blood flow in that area is getting blocked that many times a minute.  Blood carries oxygen and so in that time, the blood / oxygen is being blocked from that part of my heart and that is what caused the heart attack.

Turns out I am a walking miracle.  I had this my whole life and yet God carried me through and protected my heart.  AMAZING and I couldn't be more grateful.

Okay, so all that said, they told me to make a follow-up appointment with my Heart Doctor and then discharged me from the hospital.  The restrictions were as follows:

Six weeks of no driving, no lifting more than a milk jug, no vacuuming, no cleaning, no anything really.  When you are trying to rest any muscle in the body, you have to give it a break from most activities and not use it a lot.  When you are resting your heart, turns out you can't do much of ANYTHING.  Oh, and they warned me not to get stressed.  Um, yeah, I have two toddlers!!! :)  All this said, I left that day feeling very happy to be in normal clothes and heading home.  I of course had to milk this up a little to Micah. ;)  I told him I couldn't open the car door, since I just had had a heart attack.  I thought we could use a little humor, turns out he didn't find it so funny. ;) 

The best part. . .. .I was going home to my babies.  Praise the Lord.

My Anchor

As Micah mentioned in his perspective of the situation, after a few days stay, they finally did get me transferred to Hershey Hospital so I could have the MRI of my heart done.  I was taken by ambulance, which was not a necessity but the doctors had to be sure nothing happened on the way I guess. When we got there, they got me checked in and then started getting me prepared for the next day when I was to have the MRI.  I was very nervous. I hated new places and now I was even further away from my loved ones.  I was scared and I had heard enough about the MRIs to be anxious.  I hate small enclosed areas and I am not good at not moving. 

The next morning, the tech came to take me down to get the MRI done. I was full of anxiety about what was coming and how I would do.  .but most of all, what were they going to find?  As they situated me on the board and then rolled me into the machine, I started to get inwardly panicky.  They asked me what music I wanted to listen to and I asked if they had any christian contemporary. They said they were sure they did but it might take a little longer to find it. :)  Guess that wasn't a common request. 

They were talking to me and telling me to hold my breath and then breath and then hold my breath for longer.  I wasn't allowed to move because they needed the heart to be in the same position for all the pics.  I think I got scared when they told me they were sending the dye up through my body and I got nauseated thinking of it traveling through my body and through my heart. IT was a very cold sensation.  Finally, at one of my most panicked moments, when I wasn't sure how much more I could handle, I started to silently cry to myself. As the first few tears were streaming down my face, the music came on.  The song was a Ray Boltz song. . . .The Anchor Holds.  The words,
the anchor holds


though the ship is battered


the anchor holds


though the sails are torn


i have fallen on my knees


as i faced the raging seas


the anchor holds


in spite of the storm

came on and I started to smile. I knew God was carrying me through the storm.  NO MATTER what the outcome and what was left after the storm, the LORD was carrying me through.  I felt as though the seas were raging around me, and He was holding me.  I hadn't heard the song in years, but it ministered to my heart at that very instant and I knew God was my Anchor and that was all I needed to know at that moment.  I don't know how much longer the MRI went but it was not long in my mind. I was at peace and I felt as though God had directly spoke into my spirit at exact the precise moment I needed to hear from him.

When they brought me out and sent me to my room, I was crying as I shared with mom and Micah,  how God had shown himself to me.  Mom was crying too, of course. :)  She knew this was another moment that, while every mother wants to be there for their children and fix it all, she couldn't.  She was so glad to know that GOD, who had promised her that he would be there to take care of me, followed through with his end of the bargain.  We finally all had peace that NO MATTER what the outcome, we were gonna be okay.

The Waiting Room

I have been reading a book written by one of my favorite women authors. . . Joyce Meyer.  The book is "Enjoying Where You are on the Way to Where You are Going."  It is a good book and it has been a significant help in my life throughout the past years journey.  I found that I spend too much time looking for the next high and not enjoying where I am at that very moment in time. I did this throughout my childhood, and then throughout my adolescence and now into my adult years.  I couldn't wait to get married and then, the whole three years of marriage without children, well, I wished them away anticipating the arrival of my children.  When I had Ava, she was not even a whole year old and I was anticipating having another, but we did foster care and ended up getting Christian when Ava was only 14 months old.  Then, yup, you guessed it right, I was anticipating when they would be old enough that I could sleep again.  Then when they were a few years old, I started wanting a baby again.  Wow, thinking it is one thing but to see it written out is another.  How terrible to be always searching, but I do this and I believe I am not the only one.  In fact, many of my friends have shared they do the same thing, and then they find themselves doing exactly what I find myself doing:  looking back in my life and wishing I could go back and just ENJOY those moments. 
My hubby actually was a huge part in helping me to see this in myself.  He said it wasn't possible to make and keep me happy. I argued because I am a pretty happy person my nature, but then he pointed out the whole life scenario of my life and I couldn't believe it.  So, as I got this book, I started to get really excited when I realized that this was a common problem for many others also.  I found comfort in that fact and started reading on how to find joy and be content with wherever my life was.
I will get back to this book later on, but the one chapter that stood out to me was the one that talks about while in the waiting room.  That seems to be the very hardest part for me. I feel as though I have faith and I am good at keeping my head up, but my endurance isn't very good.  Sometimes the waiting room, whether at a hospital or in our lives, is excruciatingly painful.  When we are waiting in the waiting room at a hospital, it is usually just a time of hanging out until we get the news we want or worse, news we don't want.  It can be scary and anxious and absolutely no fun at all. The only time I enjoy a waiting room is when I am waiting for the news of a new baby but even then, there is always a little anxiety there too.  Let's face it, waiting for anything that we want or even the things we don't want can be almost unbearable, escpecially in a self gratifying and quick gratification kind of world.  This means, we want it and we want it now. 

So, as I have been focusing and working on this in my life, the time came for the "waiting room" with my heart attack. I knew God was up to something and yet, I was not sure what. I knew he had plans and he was watching out for my best interest, but I was also anxious about WHAT that was.  I decided that it was time to wait and wait patiently.  There wasn't anything I could do and I was going to wait with anticipation for what GREAT things God had planned for my future.  I knew that he was wiser and stronger than all the doctors that seemed baffled, so I just focused on looking to him.  That is really the only way I got through the week with my heart episode.

Diagnosis Myocarditis a False

I woke up numerous times that first night in the hospital, due to the alarms hooked up to me sounding that my heart rate was too low.  Whenever I would fall into my deep sleep, my heart rate would drop and then the nurse would have to come in and check on me and then reset the alarm.  I was so frustrated and scared, but honestly, mostly annoyed.  The night nurse told me, as she was leaving in the morning, that she was surprised I was not rushed for an emergent heart cath. during the night because my heart rate was low and something was not right.  However, I made it through the night to be woke up early and wheeled down to the Eco cardiogram room to get pics of my heart.    Micah was to wait up in the room for me.  They told him it would be about two hours till I got back.  He laid in my bed to take a little nappies.

When I got down there, the tech taking my eco cardiogram said my heart's ejection fraction was kind of low and she was alarmed at my heart rate.  She scooted out to talk to my doctor, which happened to be the doctor that has been following my brother for years, and then the Dr. came to talk to me.  She said she knew who I was and with my brother's history and the looks of what they were seeing with my heart so far, they were not going to put me through the heart stress test, instead they were sending me for a heart cath.  Up until this point, they had felt like I had myocarditis which was like a cold of the heart, but now they were acting as though they had suspicion it was something more.  I was scared.  I hate needles, and procedures and I was so nervous that they were not putting me out for this particular procedure. 
They wheeled me up to my room, where Micah was and he got news and rushed to call my mom at work.  She decided to leave work and head to the hospital.  At this point, the nurse came to get me to take me to the heart cath prep room.  I was quietly praying for God to give me strength.  I was SCARED.  What were they going to find?  Micah walked with me and prayed with me for strength and calmness.  When we got down to the room, the team that was going to be with me came out and introduced themselves and then they stood there while I silently said goodbye to Micah and though I was not sobbing loudly, the tears that were streaming down my face were tears of fear and the unknown.  Then they gave me some drugs to help numb me.
The Doctor came in and started the Cath.  I remember them talking about all sorts of random things and then they would check on me to see if I was alright.  I remember being so cold and then them telling me that their was some resistance.  I was drugged enough to not remember all they said but the doctor told me something about how my hearts LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery was not developed properly. He did show me on the picture, and he explained it like this.  Every one's vessels in their hearts are larger and taper off at the end. ..mine was larger and then went extremely thin with no tapering.  Kind of like a mechanical blockage.  He said it was congenital, meaning I was born with it.  There was no explanation why it would act up now when it had gone undiscovered for 29 years so far.  However, it was too small to stint or bypass so there was nothing to do for it.  Very weird, and once again, no real answers.

I got back up to my room, with weights on my legs. I was not allowed to move my legs for a few hours due to risk of complications or bleeding, because they had gone up through my femoral artery for the cath.  This is common procedure, but yet again, I was so paranoid.  What if I got antsy, moved a tad, and caused a blood clot to head up to my heart?  However, all of this anxiety was making my chest pains more frequent.  I was in a mess and I had to try and stay calm.  I had lots of support and I knew many were praying but I was a bit upset that this was going on. 

A few hours later, my doctor came in to talk to me. She looked at my mom and said, "how many kids do you have?"  My mom told her she only had two, my brother and I, and the doctor said, "well, that is good you stopped at two."  We all kind of chuckled and then she went on to tell us what she was thinking.  She felt I needed to have an MRI on my heart, but this was not something this hospital had  the ability to perform, so she was trying to get me transferred to another hospital.  I was actually feeling better after they told me this because I was starting to feel in my spirit that something else was wrong and they needed to get to the bottom of it before they sent me home.  So, at the end of the first full day in the hospital, we were sure we were heading somewhere in the next few days. Still no answers, but at least they were still searching.

Micah and my mom went and got the kids that night to make sure they could be with their daddy.  They were not allowed to come and visit me because of the SWINE flu epidemic.  I was so upset and missing them sooo much.  Mother and children should never be separated as they are the best medicine for each other. :) 

I knew I was scared but I was starting to feel a real peace about what God was asking of me.  I started talking to mom and Micah about what I wanted for the kids if I was not to make it through this.  I know it sounded dramatic, but I was feeling desperate.  I had to make plans.  I had to know my kids and hubby and mom were gonna be okay.  Most of all, I pleaded with God to continue to hold my hand through this journey and in fact, actually, maybe he could just carry me, rather than walk beside me.  He did just that too.

Micah's Perspective

I was napping with the kids while Michelle went to our family physician to get checked out.  She called me to say the Dr wanted her at the ER and wanted someone to drive her.  The office is 15 minutes from home and I needed to get both kids up and dressed, so I said, "give me 20-25 minutes".  She said ok and hung up.  About 2 minutes later, she called back.  She said the Dr said 20 minutes was too long...get here now. 
So now I start to panic a little.  I left the kids in their jammies, put them in the back of the car without strapping them in their seats, told them to sit down and took off.  I called my father-in-law, informed him of the situation and asked him to meet me at the ER to get the kids, which he agreed to do.
Once all the tests were complete, the Dr's didn't know what to make of her situation, because of her age.  Everything pointed to a heart attack, but they didn't want to take anything for granted.  It might be something else.  They decided to admit her and investigate other options, with the first step being a stress test the next morning.
I called my work and  told them what was going on.  Fortunately we were slow at the time and everyone told me to take all the time I needed, which was a big blessing.  My mom and sister jumped right in and agreed to share the responsibility of our 2 kids for as long as we needed.  Another blessing.  So work and the kids were taken care of.  Check.
The next morning, the cardiologist cancelled the stress test and wanted to go straight for a heart catherization.  Michelle's heart rate was too low for a stress test.  Ok, now things are escalating. 
The heart cath revealed that her LAD artery was too small.  The cath did not reveal why, so now we needed a cardiac MRI.  This could only be done at John Hopkins or Hershey.  We opted for Hershey.
The cardiologist was fairly convinced that it was Myocarditis, an infection in the heart (basically, her heart had a cold and would get better with rest).  Myocarditis can cause blood work to look like it does when someone has a heart attack.  But she wanted to be sure.  So she was transferred by ambulance to Hershey 2 days later (that's as soon as they could see her).
The cardiac MRI at Hershey confirmed heart attack.  The MRI revealed a Myocardial Bridge.  Basically, her heart muscle, for an unknown reason, grew up and over her LAD artery and has probably been like that since birth.  Every time her heart beats, it pinches off the artery.  The artery was underdeveloped and even too small for a stint.  So really, nothing could be done.  We would be discharged home the next day and follow up with a cardiologist to take her case.  So we had some answers, but many more that would have to wait to be answered.
 At this time, I will admit that the situation hadn't hit me yet.  We had been through trials before and God was always faithful to see us through.  I thought, ok, I wonder how God is going to work this one out?  I really wasn't scared yet.  We would later conclude that I went into survival mode.  I needed to be strong for my family, and my personality is perfect for this "do what needs done without much feeling" role.
Little did I know that, a month and a half later, God would perform a miracle in me that would change our marriage for the better and help foster Michelle's healing process.

The Ride Begins

Micah came speeding into the parking lot with both kids in the car.  They knew something wasn't right, because they were both being much quieter than they usually were.  Ava did ask me if I was OK and I told her yes.  Something about the urgency in her little voice scared me.  What if I was telling her I was going to be okay and then I wasn't?  I couldn't let my mind go there.
As we drove the three miles from the doctors office to the hospital, Micah told me he had called my dad and he was meeting us to get the kids at the ER.  He would take them home and then go from there.  I was reading over the doctors scribbles on the paper I was to give to the triage doctor and my eyes fell on the word,  "bradicardia."  I knew this was a term used for slow heart rate, because I had seen this same term on my younger brother's reports a few years earlier.  It scared me.  Was I about to find out something life altering?  I kept thinking I needed to stay calm because I knew enough to know that if it really was heart related, stress and anxiety could worsen my situation. 
Micah was very calm, which is true to his nature when I am upset.  I couldn't believe we were headed to the ER again. We had just finished saying to each other about a week earlier, "well, lets make this a good year medically, no hospital visits."  Little did we know. 
Once we arrived at the hospital, my dad was not too far behind us.  He took the kids and we signed in.  Being the age of 29, we got a lot of raised eye brows when I explained my symptoms. I am not sure if they thought I was just a person seeking attention or what, but they definitely had their own opinions about it.  They did put me back in a room and started the blood work and all that is entailed with any heart patient.  After waiting the time for the blood work to come back, the ER Doctor came in and started telling us what he thought.  He felt that, if I was older, he would def. had diagnosed me with a heart attack.  My enzyme levels were elevated which was a red flag pointing at the heart attack diagnosis, but because I was only 29 years old, they were hesitant to be too hasty in diagnosing.  They were not too sure what to do, so they finally decided to admit me and do a stress test the following morning. 
By this time, I had calmed down.  I knew the kids were okay and with Grandparents.  I knew I was now safe and under watch so I was not so anxious of something fatal happening.  I felt much better that they were looking into it and I was tired.  I remember, being ready for bed by the time I got to my room and situated. That ends the first day of a long upcoming week.

Matters of the Heart - the First Episode

A few months ago, my life changed.  I was diagnosed to have had a Heart Attack.  Wow, I never expected to hear those words at age 29, nor the ones that followed.  "no more biological children."  Let me back up a little. . . .

I was working out at the gym, which I was doing about Four times a week.  I was in the middle of the warm up song and started to have what I would describe to be chest compressions across my chest.  My Left arm started to go numb and tingly and my hand was tingling.  I stopped and asked a friend near me, "what side does your heart effect?" and she informed me it was the left side. At this point the pain was not really PAIN as much as discomfort and I was pretty sure I was just deficient in some sort of vitamin and so I sat out for a song or two and then started back in with the Zumba dancing.  Sure enough, a few seconds in, my compressions started back up and I noticed myself trying to shake whatever was going on with my arm.  I noticed in the mirror I was not smiling anymore and I decided to listen to my body and stop.  I sat the rest of the hour out and though the compressions lessened they didn't go away totally.  After the class, I said goodbye to all and then headed on my way home.  I called my brother, who had had some heart issues in the past six years and had actually had a pacemaker placed at age 21.  Trying not to alarm him, I casually asked him how it felt when he had chest pains?   He started immediately with why, and what is going on and soon I told him I had just had a few issues.  He thought I should head to the doctors, but I was not convinced. 

I came home and decided to go ahead and have the Girls Night I had promised my four Year old daughter.  My hubby went to bed and my daughter and I played games and had a tea party together.  Once she went to bed, I was really tired, but I decided to google iron deficiencies on the Internet to see what was out there.  I found some things that caused Angina and decided that for sure that was my issue.  I believe God, once again, had his gracious hand of protection on my life.  I slept really well.

The next day I got up and started about my daily routine.  I was fine until I reached down to pick up my three year old son.  Immediately the chest compressions started and my arm felt like a lead pipe. I noticed I started favoring my left arm, as though it was tired.  I knew something wasn't right. I called the doctor and they were scheduling me for later that day.  Then the nurse called me back and told me to take it easy and to be in within the next hour. I was not too alarmed. I asked my hubby to come get the kids and i drove myself to the doctors office.

I was seriously concerned, but not yet fearful.  When I got in there, the doctor listened to my symptoms and then said with my brothers heart history, he would go ahead and do an EKG but he was pretty sure it was nothing.  Then the nurse rolled in the machine and a few minutes later I was sitting in a chair and the doctor came strolling in.  He looked slightly panicked as he was handing me 4 baby aspirin.  He said, "can you call someone and have them drive you over to triage.  Their was some changes on your EKG and I think you need to get checked right away."  When I told him it would take my husband about half an hour to get the kids up and ready and then pick me up, he said, "that is not soon enough.  Tell him to get the kids in the car and get here."  Needless to say, a tad bit of fear started to set in.  I also had started to have some more pain, realizing later it was probably repercussion pain.  

I will end this entry with what was going through my mind as I was waiting for Micah to get there. . .

1.) What could this be God?  There is no way I have heart problems.  I feel so stupid for all of this.
2.) What if something is really wrong?  What about my kids and hubby?
3.) Why is my arm still hurting and now I am getting scared. 

However, even in this time of fear and waiting, there was a calmness.  A peace .  .that only God could give me.

God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we expect

Joyce Meyer wrote a book on being happy on your way to where you are supposed to be.  It is pretty neat, how she discusses how difficult it is for us to be able to really lean on the Lord and rely on him the way we were meant to.  Humans, by nature, have to plan it all out in our lives.  This is hard when you think of the unanswered questions and unfulfilled desires in our lives.  We all have them. 

I always heard that the desires we have in our hearts were given to us by the Lord, so he is sure to follow through.  I believe that, still to this day, though I also know he doesn't always fulfill them the way we think he will.  For example, my husband desired a son without the genetic arthritis that comes down through his fathers side of the family.   He prayed this most of his life, that God would give him a son arthritis free.  What did God do?  He gave him a son arthritis free alright. . . we adopted him.  He looks like my husband, acts like my husband, but his little body doesn't carry the painful disease and for this we are so very grateful.  However, what a creative way for the Lord to answer that prayer and hearts desire.  We all know God could have chosen to have us give birth to a biological son and just take away the disease, but God has the master plan.  HE knows what is best for all involved. :)  I have other examples, but we get the point.


My favorite verse in my life, the one I have lived on happens to be Jeremiah 29:11 - "for I know the plans I have for you,"  says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm.  To give you a hope and a future."  I hung onto these words throughout my dating years, feeling they were the most difficult years I would ever face. I struggled so much with wondering if I was to get married and to whom and would I like the guy that God had picked out for me.  I know it didn't make one bit of sense, but I worried that I wouldn't be happy with who He had planned for me.  It bothered me to no end that I had no answers and every time I tried to work things out, they didn't.  I had to have a plan in place and every time I thought I had it all figured out. . . .something would happen and back to square one.  If only I had just enjoyed those years, waiting patiently and anxiously for what God had in store for me.  He not only had the most amazing man with great looks, and an awesome sense of humor, but he chose the PERFECT mate for me. I couldn't have chosen any better if I had done it all on my own.  In fact, I am sure I would have messed my life up royally if I had not relied on the Lord. 

Now I am happily married to the Love of my Life and I can see where and how God was working in my life.  So a few years later in my life, I am facing not being able to get pregnant.  I was so upset and struggling with what God was doing.  I knew God was in control and so I held onto that verse again, claiming it as my own along with 'Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.' - Psalm 37:4
This worked with my hubby so I knew God also had placed the desire to have a child and that too would be fulfilled in his timing.  The waiting patiently was never easy for me, but I knew I had to do it, if I wanted my life to be what it was intended to be.  I had some peace in knowing someone larger than me, My Saviour and Creator, were in control.  I had to remind myself of that over time. 

I look at my life now and realize how many of the desires I have had since I was small, have been not only answered, but even better.  They have been miracles in my life.  I now have a hubby and two beautiful children and I am loving my life.  I am so grateful for what I have been blessed with.  I don't think by any means, that I am perfect and never again will be impatient about life.   In fact, at this moment I am struggling with some deep desires and wondering what to do with them. I wrote this blog to help remind myself of how awesome our God is and that leaving it up to him leaves me free to go about my life and not worry.  He has my best interest in mind.  I love that!!!  I hope this encouraged someone else out there, and I am going to go pray and give over my worries to the Lord. 

I am ready to have Joy while sitting in the waiting room.